


Everything's Not Fine

by Evil_Sapphyre



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-02-25 03:42:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 36,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2607182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Sapphyre/pseuds/Evil_Sapphyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard deals with the aftermath of the taking down the Collectors. Because sometimes Shepard is angry, and love is complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Alexis Shepard straightened the black knit top as she regarded herself in the mirror. Blonde hair, tucked behind her ears, on the verge of being too long for regulation. Just the hint of make-up, enough to cover the dark stains under her eyes and a touch of lip gloss. Non-descript black clothing, shirt, pants, boots – the only items on board that fit her that were embroidered with  _that_  symbol. No, these clothes were better, even if there was no real place to hide a sidearm.  _You're going to be in the middle of an Alliance district on the Citadel. You won't need a gun._  The mental reminder did little to reassure her. She'd feel better with a gun, but Hackett would frown on that.

_I'm pulling strings to try and get you reinstated. I need you to get checked out so I can get you working for us again, Commander._

Two years dead, and a denial of what she had been through, and Alexis still jumped at his orders. Hell, she'd jump at the orders of practically any commanding officer. If it meant that she'd get her reputation back, that she could be working to stop the Reapers. What was to come.  _There's no time. No time to rest. No real time for this, but I don't have any other choice._  Taking one last glance in the mirror, she steeled herself for whatever was to come and headed out of her private quarters on the  _Normandy,_ leaving her half eaten breakfast on her table. For now, it was time to report to the Kithoi Ward.


	2. Chapter 1: Physicals

**Chapter 1: Physicals**

Dr. Madison Brooks. The doctor had introduced herself as if the name should have been important. Of course, Shepard had absolutely no idea whom this doctor was, and apart from Dr. Chakwas, she had never had a regular physician during any of her tours. Being a N7 operative meant she was often transferred from one vessel to another for whatever important mission had been drummed up for her. Serving aboard the Normandy had been the most regular tour of service she had been part of in years.

Right now though, Shepard could care less about this mousy looking brunette dressed in Alliance BDUs. Shepard just wanted the woman to hurry and finish the physical so she could be on her way. After everything that Shepard had been through during the past few months, sitting on a metal exam table in her underwear while being inspected by a doctor was aggravating to say the least. It certainly had not helped matters that her every movement since she had arrived at the facility had been scrutinized. That conversations would silence as she walked by, only to begin in hushed, hurried tones once they thought she was too far away to hear it. Words like  _traitor_  and  _terrorist_  that she knew were directed at her.

"So, Commander Shepard," Dr. Brooks voice was curt, abrupt, treading a fine line between professional and disrespect. "Your medical files show that the last physical you had dates back to over two years ago. At least by an  _Alliance_  doctor. That is correct?"

Shepard watched as Dr. Brooks tapped her fingers across a datapad in her hands, as if she were remarkably unfamiliar with the file. "Are you certain you have the proper credentials to be here?" The last thing Shepard wanted was some hotshot young doctor who did not have the necessary clearance handling her medical file; trying to make their name on the infamous  _turncoat_.

Dr. Brooks tucked the datapad under one arm as she folded her arms across her chest. "I was personally selected by Alliance brass to handle this case, Commander. Given the recent reports regarding you, they wish for me to verify as much information as possible."

"Then I'm certain that underneath that last date it should also have some kind of notation about being killed in action. Or does being declared dead not merit notation in a medical file?" She gripped the edges of the table, knuckles turning white, to try and stymie her anger.

"Commander," Dr. Brooks leaned back against a counter in the room. "There are certainly notations of your presumed death in this file; however, as you are sitting here breathing and quite alive at this very moment, it obviously calls to question the validity of the information here."

Shepard felt a cold knot tighten in the pit of her stomach. She should have realized that no one was going to take her word on anything that had happened since the Collectors had destroyed the Normandy SR-1, getting her spaced in the process. "Last time I checked, Doc, you weren't an attending physician of mine at all during the past three years. You have no fucking idea what I have or have not been through, so why don't you stop questioning my integrity and get to doing the job you were sent here to do?"

"Perhaps you should have thought about your integrity before you defected over to a terrorist organization, Commander."

The self-righteous words of the doctor hung in the air for several deathly quiet moments while Shepard did her best to rein back the wave of dark energy that flared to life suddenly. No matter if the topic was the always the elephant in the room, there was no benefit of the doubt given to her. No second chance. Always the presumption that she had gone bad, and that infuriated Alexis. It was probably fortunate that the doctor had taken the quiet moment to turn and start gathering the few instruments she would need to run her tests. "I didn't defect."

Dr. Brooks walked the short distance across the room with a tray full of little electrodes and instruments. With deft expertise, she quickly began applying the tiny sensors to Shepard. "So you claim."

For all the venomous words, the doctor actually applied the sensors with a relative gentleness, but it did not dissolve any of the anger that had still been brewing for Shepard. "Ah, that's right. I'm no better than a common Blue Suns merc now. Let's not pay any mind to everything that I did prior to two years ago." Shepard pulled back from Dr. Brooks's touch. "So exactly whose damned word would be good enough for you?"

A look of contempt crossed Dr. Brooks's face before she jammed an instrument into Shepard's arm. Shepard felt a prickly sensation shoot through her arm as the instrument drew some blood, but Shepard ignored it. "What? Nothing more to add? I seriously want to know who the fuck I could drag down here to get you to actually treat me like any other patient? How about Dr. Chakwas? She's an Alliance doc, just like you."

"Former Alliance. She resigned her last post over a year ago, and our last reports have her serving with Cerberus, and on your ship. Not exactly brimming with credibility there."

Alexis tensed her jaw, trying to keep from grinding her teeth together. "She resigned her post in order to ensure that Lt. Moreau would have the necessary care. She put the concern for others ahead of her career."

Dr. Brooks scoffed. "Right, that's so much better. She  _resigned_  to take care of someone who  _defected_  because he thought he killed you. Or at least was part of your elaborate cover in faking your death."

"I didn't fake my death." Alexis gripped the edge of the table, her knuckles shaking as they turned white.

"No, you had Cerberus destroy a prototype warship, killing dozens of honest Alliance personnel so you could jump ship. The  _honorable and brave_  Commander Shepard." One of the metal doors to a cabinet flew across the room at a breakneck speed, crashing into a wall with a sickening crunch leaving a notable dent marred in the once smooth surface. Dr. Brooks let out a startled yelp as she recoiled from the sound, her eyes looking on in a bit of terror at the crash.

"Get the fuck out." An icy ripple flared down Shepard's spine.

Dr. Brooks backed away, her feet almost slipping on the smooth surface, eyes wide as she stared at Shepard. "Wha..?"

"I said get the fuck out! NOW!" The door to the room struggled violently in its frame, the metal groaning terribly. A flare of energy erupted briefly in the room as the door was ripped from the wall. Shepard briefly saw Dr. Brooks drop quickly to the ground, covering her head to avoid the projectile as it collided into the opposite wall.

"Do you have any fucking clue who I even am?" Shepard stalked over to where her clothes laid. She quickly yanked on her clothes and shoved her feet into the boots sitting on the ground. "I'm the god damned Savior of the Citadel. I'm the hero of the Skyllian Blitz. I'm Commander fucking Shepard, and no one ever asked me if I would be okay with anything that Cerberus so graciously assumed for me!

"I'm not a damned traitor! And neither is any of my crew. I would take any one with the caliber of Chakwas' character any day over a sniveling bitch like you." Shepard grabbed the rest of her belongings and headed to leave the broken remains of the exam room. She stopped briefly next to the still cowering figure of the doctor, kneeling down next to her. "At least none of my defects would be ready to piss themselves in fear because they mouthed off to the wrong person."

With a smug smirk, Shepard stood and left the room. As she walked through the open doorway, three marines leveled their assault rifles directly at her. Shepard let out an exasperated sigh and stopped in her tracks. "Stand down, Soldiers."

None of the men flinched at her order, and she pinched the bridge of her nose to try and rein back the new wave of anger rising in her. "I said. Stand. Down."

Once again, all three marines remained statuesque, keeping their sights trained on Shepard as their target. "Last time I checked the Alliance did not have any damned jurisdiction over Spectres. So either take your best shot, or stand the fuck down and get out of my way." She was practically snarling the last of her words.

Shepard watched as two of the marines shot nervous glances between each other and took a few steps backwards, fidgeting slightly. Slowly, those two marines lowered their rifles, but the third continued to hold his ground, ignoring that the rest of his squad was no longer backing him up. "So what's it going to be tough guy? Are you going to shoot me? Is it really worth seeing if you can get a clean shot before I..."

"Commander!" Anderson's voice interrupted her with a reprimanding tone. Shepard quickly turned to the direction his voice came from, swallowing the rest of her words. From down the hall, she could see Councilor Anderson quickly heading in her direction. There was no mistaking the man accompanying him, with the dark hair that was as thick as it appeared, and whiskey colored eyes - it was Kaidan.


	3. Chapter 2: Hurtful Things

**Chapter 2: Hurtful Things**

"Are you quite finished here with this display, Commander?" Anderson approached Shepard, one marine still standing his ground with his assault rifle. Shepard watched Anderson and Kaidan intently with rage glittering in her blue eyes.

"Corporal Thomas, stand down." Kaidan stepped into the fray, his attention solely on her despite the command tone in his voice. From her periphery, Shepard saw the assault rifle disappear as it was lowered, but she kept her eyes locked on the two men who had just arrived. Anderson looked upon her with stern disapproval. She could not get a read from Kaidan, however, despite how close they'd been. It was another painful reminder of what she had lost. As was the fact that every nerve ending stood at attention and saluted him in his dress blues, breaking through her anger and serving to make her just that much angrier – mainly at herself. After all this time and all the pain between them, he still made her heart beat speed up and her mouth dry. No one had any right to look that good in their Class As.

"Isn't this the point where you place me under arrest?" Shepard asked, crossing her arms across her chest as she glared at the two men before her.

Anderson did not seem amused with her attitude and gestured for her to move on down the hall. "Let's go discuss what will be done a bit more privately, Commander." His tone left little room for questioning.

Anderson walked past her and started heading down the hall. She quickly fell in line behind him, wanting to distance herself from the scene she had just caused, but she could hear Kaidan stay behind briefly to issue orders to the marines who had been standing by. Anderson led her into a room towards the end of the hall that looked as if it were likely someone's office. She stalked past him and waited, trying her best to calm the raging pit in her stomach.

She heard both Anderson and Kaidan enter the room shortly after her, and the door hissed as it slid closed. Shepard watched them quietly as she did her best to rein back her temper again. It would have been much easier had Anderson been the only one who had arrived, but Kaidan complicated things. It had been maybe three months since she had last seen him on the colony of Horizon, and her feelings towards him had been in a mess since then.

Joy. Hurt. Love. Anger.  _Sadness._

Hurt and anger had been near the top of that list lately, so she felt it best to let one of them start the conversation after the incident with the doctor.

"Would you like to explain yourself, Commander?" Anderson's voice finally cut through the terse silence between the three of them.

"Does it really matter what I have to say? I mean, seriously, will anything I have to say even matter once that shrew of a doctor you stuck on me starts firing her trap again? I'll be nothing more than the mangy Cerberus mongrel that needs to be put down." She could still feel the dark torrent of energy tingling at the back of her mind, reminding her of the fine line she was still treading with her control.

"Shepard," Compassion colored Anderson's voice, but he remained at a distance, like the impasse ahead of them. "Nobody here is against you. We just need to know what happened."

"Besides, Dr. Brooks has an impeccable reputation for being fair in her assessments. That's one of the reasons she was recommended for this assignment." Kaidan lingered just behind Anderson, and no matter how much she wished it, he didn't disappear.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow in her former lover's direction. "Since when does being an antagonistic bitch qualify a person as  _fair_?"

She watched as Kaidan set his jaw slightly at her words. It was the first break in his cool demeanor since he had walked up with Anderson. "Shepard, please." He spoke with the same easy tone that she had heard so many times on the original Normandy, and for some reason, that really bothered her.

"Please what? Be civil about that sniveling harpy that walked into that examination with a chip on her shoulder? Why should I?" Shepard crossed her arms across her chest.

Anderson stepped forward slightly. "Shepard-" His words were cut short by a knock on the door before it slid open.

"Councilor, sorry to interrupt, but we have two priority calls coming through for you." The marine at the door glanced a bit nervously into the room.

Anderson sighed and nodded to the marine. "Alenko, get to the bottom of this. Shepard, cooperate. Please." He then left the room, the door hissing quietly behind him once more.

Kaidan stared at her quietly for a moment after Anderson left. "What is it about Dr. Brooks that has you so wound up?"

Shepard shrugged. "Her snotty tone? The self righteous comments? The downright accusations of me having zero integrity due to my forced affiliation with Cerberus? But you'll need to interrogate her to find out why she had it in for me before she stepped through the damn door."

"I rather doubt that Madison intentionally set out to discredit you, Shepard." Kaidan maintained that same calm voice as before, obviously trying to help diffuse the situation.

His continued calm defense of  _Madison_ , however, infuriated her. Why would he not believe her word for once? "What am I just not thinking straight again, Kaidan? Just like last time?"

His eyes immediately darkened as soon as the words left her mouth. "When you are acting like a child not getting her way and throwing tantrums? Yes, I would say that you aren't thinking straight!" Shepard opened her mouth to defend herself, and Kaidan held up a hand to silence her. "You ripped the door from the wall and threw it across the room, Shepard! How the hell is that not throwing a tantrum?"

"What the hell would you have had me do, Kaidan? Turn the other cheek as she continued to peck at me about things out of my control? As she made disparaging comments about not only me, but my crew? My crew that stood by me, that nearly died on my mission. I'm not a saint. And if you keep poking me with a pointed stick, don't be fucking surprised if I lash out. " She closed her eyes and brought one hand to her forehead, applying pressure to her temples and trying to force her mind to focus on that rather than the pulses of energy surging through her body.

She wasn't sure what she expected of Kaidan after that last outburst. She thought he would at least say something, do something. For all of her anger, she still wanted him to try and do  _anything_. But she felt that all too familiar wrench in her heart as she heard the familiar hiss of the door, and she opened her eyes to watch him walk away from her once more. She could feel tears pool at the edges of her eyes, and she quickly slammed her right fist into the nearby wall, feeling the pain course up her arm. It would be a cold day in hell before she wasted any tears on him again.


	4. Chapter 3: Doctor's Orders

**Chapter 3: Doctor's Orders**

What the hell did she want from him? Kaidan wished he knew. Never, in all the time they had served beside one another, that he'd loved her, had he seen her so lost, so out of control. Sure, she had been angry over things being done to her - like being grounded after Virmire - but never like this. What the hell had Cerberus done to her?

He stopped in his tracks and looked back over his shoulder, down the hall to where he had left Shepard. Maybe he should go back, to try and get through to her. But what could he say? He was fairly certain that there was absolutely nothing he could tell her just now that would make things better for her. And for as much as it pained him to see her like this, he did not think he could handle being her emotional punching bag.

No, he was going to talk to Madison and find out what happened, starting back down the hallway with renewed vigor. His Shepard was never the kind of person to make up stories about what happened. _His Shepard_. His chest tightened at his own choice of words. Even after all this time, he still had a hard time not associating her as his.

Kaidan forced that rather distracting thought from his head as he made his way down the hallway. After a few minutes and a brief stop for directions, Kaidan found himself at Dr. Madison Brooks' office in the Alliance complex. Through the door, he could hear the rather perky voice of Madison. "No, no, I'm fine. Just a bit shaken up over the ordeal."

"Madison, do you have a moment?" Kaidan stepped just inside the room after the door slid open.

Madison glanced briefly up at Kaidan and waved him into her office. "I'm going to have to call you back." She ended the call rather quickly, never even giving whomever she spoke to a chance to say a word. Something about that didn't sit well with Kaidan, even if he did need to speak with Madison. She even attempted her best smile for him as he entered her office, but despite it all, she looked terrible. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her normally perfect makeup was a streaky mess on her face.

It was a good chance that Shepard's antics were the closest Madison had ever been to actual combat. "What the hell happened in there, Madison?"

Madison's smile quickly vanished, a dark scowl taking its place. "You mean other than almost being killed by the supposed Savior of the Citadel?" Her voice carried a definite tone of disgust, and she turned her attention to one of several datapads scattered across her desk.

Kaidan was certain that Shepard had not tried to kill the other woman, but he knew better than to try to explain that to someone who had never been under direct fire before. "Madison, I'm very sorry for whatever Shepard may have done. I need you to tell me what happened in that room."

She fiddled idly with the datapad in her hands a moment before setting it down and looking to Kaidan. "Alliance brass wanted me to verify as many details in her medical file as I could to help account for the past two years. Commander Shepard felt it unnecessary and became difficult. I tried to ease past the issue and continue the rest of physical. It was then that she became...unstable."

"Something had to have set her off. Shepard isn't the kind of woman who would just start losing control like that." Kaidan struggled to keep his tone reasonable.

"Kaidan, it's been two years since she faked her own death. Do you honestly think you know what kind of woman she is?" An annoyed look painted Madison's face, as she fought to keep from rolling her eyes.

His eyes narrowed at her words. "Dr. Brooks, I'll ask you again. Was there something said or done that could have set off Commander Shepard?"

"Commander Alenko, don't you think you have too much personally invested to be an impartial third party in this situation?" She lifted her chin, as if defying him to deny what she said, and something inside the normally calm marine snapped.

"Commander Shepard is a war hero twice over. She's a top grade special forces agent, and a Council Spectre. The Alliance is greatly interested in seeing that she be reinstated to active duty." His voice was clipped as he spoke. There were not many people who knew exactly how close he had been with his former commanding officer, and Madison had never been one of his confidants. A couple of dates should not have given her that kind of insight. _What the hell does she really know?_

" _Your Shepard_ ," acid colored her words, unknowingly echoing his own thoughts moments ago, "is an egomaniac on the verge of a psychotic break. But if mentally unstable officers who defect to terrorist organizations are what the Alliance is currently interested in, then maybe it's time I resigned."

Kaidan felt a momentary lapse in his control over his biotics, the cool trickle of water, running down his nerves. Setting his jaw, he was now becoming keenly aware of what had set Shepard off earlier, and he pooled the energy back into his core, keeping himself from flaring. "Actually, I'd recommend that you resign as soon as you can."

Madison blinked in astonishment as he spoke, but her voice maintained its acerbic tones. "And why is that, Commander?"

"Because once Admiral Hackett gets my report on what you did here, you're really going to wish you had cut ties and **run**." Kaidan then turned and left her office, heading back towards where he had left Shepard.

As the door slid shut, he heard her call out. "It's such a damn shame. Such a fine piece of marine ass like yourself, and you're completely being wasted on her." It actually amazed him now to think of the amount of restraint that Shepard had actually used in the situation. Hell, most of the special forces agents he had met - apart from Shepard - likely would have made sure that no one heard from that foul mouthed woman again.

In hindsight, dating Madison had been a mistake. And not just because of her unprofessional behavior in this instance. Six months ago, his friends had finally managed to talk him into going out for drinks with Madison, insisting that she would be nothing like Shepard. And they had been right. Madison had been nothing like Shepard. She had been almost obnoxiously perky, as well as being more than a little self-absorbed. It had been clear to him right away that she was not his type, but he still allowed himself the distraction of those few dates. Maybe life without Shepard didn't have to be a constant struggle to survive the pain of losing her.

That had been before Horizon, before he had seen Shepard standing like a ghost before him. All that pain had come flooding back to him. And then she had simply disappeared off into the Terminus. He had reacted badly to seeing her again at Horizon, but he had done what he could to reach out to her, once he had a chance to reassess the situation.

Shepard never reached back out to him. After the Horizon incident, the Alliance had kept him grounded at the Citadel, and he had been privy to the limited reports of her activities that the Alliance had. Anderson had even recruited him to help pore through the Cerberus logs that Shepard had rather abruptly dropped on the Councilor. She had handwritten dozens of reports, personnel files, and records detailing exactly what Cerberus had been up to. But still, there had been no message for him. Not even to tell him that she hated him.

It was as if he meant nothing to her, and that thought tore him apart. If Admiral Hackett had not personally sent him here to be his eyes and ears, Kaidan would have stayed far away from Shepard. Just seeing her earlier had affected him more than he feared it would.

Kaidan stopped himself when he realized that he was almost back to Shepard's current room. He had been so engrossed in his own thoughts that he had almost forgotten his surroundings. Out of habit, he brought one hand to his forehead. He did his best to push the unsettling thoughts from his mind. If Shepard was still angry, he had to be able to deal with her for the time being, and he could not do that if he was mired in his own anguish. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself and closed the short distance to the door.

Inside the room, Kaidan was half-surprised to find Shepard still there. His mind was so used to her being gone, that it had expected him to find the room empty, hollow. Shepard was oblivious to the fact that he had returned, as she paced in the back of the room. His eyes followed her as she moved, managing to find a way to command even this empty room. She was compelling, dangerous, beautiful and clearly still angry. For the moment though, Kaidan was content to just watch his Shepard.


	5. Chapter 4: Broken Hearts

**Chapter 4: Broken Hearts**

The hairs on the back of Shepard's neck bristled with the fury still coursing through her. Punching the wall had worked to stop the flood of tears, but it had done nothing to rein in her anger. She still wanted to tear apart the room and lash out at anyone stupid enough to cross her path. What she needed was her shotgun and a corridor full of Husks. That would bleed off all this excess energy that was eating away at her.

Unless anyone here at this facility was secretly an indoctrinated Reaper drone, she doubted that droves of Husks would be overrunning the facility any time soon. So instead of wanton violence against mindless automatons, Shepard attempted to settle her nerves by pacing in the room while she waited. It was not working, but then she hated waiting.

Her patience was wearing exceptionally thin as she waited, exacerbated further by the throbbing in her temples. Anderson had not returned from his supposed priority calls, and Kaidan was the last person she wanted to see at the moment. He accused her of turning her back on him, but she kept seeing him turn his back and walk away. She flexed her right hand as she eyed the closest wall. Pain lingered still from her first encounter with the wall, but the synthetic bone weave should keep her from inflicting too much trauma to herself.

"Commander." Instinctively, Shepard turned to the male voice. She was surprised to see he was not speaking to her.

The orderly handed a datapad to Kaidan, offering a quick salute before heading off. Shepard watched the exchange intently, waiting for him to step back in the room before accosting him with questions. "Just how the hell long have you been standing there, Alenko?"

Kaidan regarded her quietly for a moment, his face still as unreadable as before. "Not long."

"And how was the poor little victimized doctor?" She did not know for certain that he had gone to talk to her, but it made sense. Besides, polite small talk with Kaidan was the last thing she wanted to indulge in.

"Dr. Brooks was fine." Kaidan set the datapad he received on a nearby counter. "She's been removed from the case." It was still difficult to get a read on him, his voice decidedly far too neutral about the statement.

"What happened to _Madison_?" She let every ounce of rage freeze over the doctor's name.

Kaidan gave her a confused look. "What do you mean Shepard?"

Shepard ignored the sharp stab of pain through her temples as she narrowed her eyes at him. "Oh don't act like I'm dumb, Kaidan. You were awfully damn quick to believe _she_ had done no wrong earlier. Why is Madison suddenly Dr. Brooks now? Lovers' spat?"

"Dr. Brooks and I are nothing more than colleagues, and after _her_ behavior here today, she is going to be pending a formal review by Alliance brass." He smirked softly. "You never struck me as the jealous type."

"I am not jealous!" Her voice cracked with emotion, heat rushing to her cheeks.

Kaidan stood there a moment, looking half amused at her. Her low blood sugar and his eyes meeting hers combined to make her pulse race and her head light. She felt ridiculous that he could still affect her like this after Horizon, after all this time. Then just as quickly, the moment passed, and a dark look crossed his face. "You're right. Jealousy would mean that you actually care."

"Don't try to act like you know a damn thing about how I feel." She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. _Damnit, where's another wall. I will not cry. I cannot cry. Not_ now. _Not in front of_ him.

"How could I, Shepard? Before today, I hadn't heard one word from you since Horizon. And for as much of a blundered mess as that was, I at least tried to reach out to you. That was a hell of a lot more than I got in return." His own voice was thick with emotion as he stared intently at her with his dark eyes.

She stared at him, pain in her eyes. "I am so terribly sorry, Kaidan. I'm so sorry that the galaxy's ever pressing need for Commander Shepard kept me from having the time to responding to such loving endearments such as _maybe… I don't know_. Tell me what part of that was supposed to make me want to profess my undying love?"

"I thought anything had to be better than the way we had left things on Horizon. You obviously felt differently. Did it all really mean so little to you? Did it ever mean anything at all? Ilos? Us? Or was it an act, as honest as your allegiance to the Alliance?" A look of regret immediately crossed his face as the harshness of his words struck both of them. "Shepard, I didn't…"

"No, you don't get to say something like that and just take it back. Let me get one thing fucking straight with you. I had no choice in anything that has happened. Nothing was how I would have done this. Cerberus decided to play god with _my life_. They took whatever was left of me, and put it back together. Who fucking knows what the hell they did to me, but _you_ , you're the one who broke my heart." She quickly brushed aside the few tears that had managed to fall free, hating how the drops of water betrayed how deeply she had been affected. She could even feel her hands tremble from the torrent of emotions she was experiencing.

"Damn it, Alexis! Do you honestly think any of this is easy for me? You've done nothing but push me away, make me believe that I don't matter one bit. But now, I'm the evil bastard that broke your poor little heart."

"I pushed _you_ away? Do the words 'betrayal' and 'traitor' sound at all familiar? How about 'lov _ed_ '? Because I distinctly recall you throwing all of that in my face and then walking away. Nobody else turned their back on me. Just you. Garrus, Tali, they stood by me. Even Wrex and Liara did what they could." Her head was swimming now. She had to get out of here, away from him.

As she moved to rush by him, Kaidan grabbed her by the arm, his grasp firm and gentle. Despite everything that had been said, her skin tingled underneath his touch, her heart skipping slightly. She glanced up into his eyes, seeing a mirror of hurt and anger. "Then why don't you go cry to one of them, and stop jerking me around," he said bitterly.

Yanking her arm free, Shepard stared at her once lover. He had changed so much in two years. Just those brief thoughts were enough to make her taste bile at the back of her throat. "Fuck you, Alenko." Fuck the Alliance and Anderson's orders too, she silently added as she fled the room. She did not need this.


	6. Chapter 5: Dominance

**Chapter 5: Dominance**

_Fuck you, Alenko_. Her words still rang in his ears. Ever since he had gotten the news two years ago that Shepard had died, he had wanted nothing more than to be able to be able to have her back. Hold her. _Love her_. He wished he had disobeyed her final orders and forced her to leave with the pod. He thought it would be easier to live in a galaxy where she hated him rather than one where she was dead. Now, he was not so certain.

As angry as they both were, he could not let her leave things like that. Rushing out of the room, Kaidan spied Shepard standing further down the corridor. Her head bowed while one arm acted as a brace against the wall. He closed the distance to her, surprised that she had not managed to storm her way to the elevator.

"Commander." He kept his voice low. Arguing with Shepard behind closed doors was one thing. The rooms were not soundproof, but they worked well to ensure that private matters were kept private - even if yelling were involved. The hallway full of Alliance personnel was not some place he wanted to continue their argument.

She snapped her attention to him, a pained, exhausted look in her eyes. When she spoke, her anger seemed subdued underneath her weariness. "What do you want now?"

He could not help but recall that moment from two years ago when she looked at him with similar eyes, seeming to sink beneath the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. Just back then, he had not been one of the reasons for the pain. Seeing that raw vulnerability was enough to just about break him. Everything about Shepard was complicated.

Kaidan stepped out of the way of several people moving down the hallway, forcing him to move closer still to Shepard. He ignored the sudden hush in their conversation as they walked by. "I don't believe you've been dismissed yet, Commander."

Anger flashed again in her blue eyes, and it was obvious that Shepard was restraining herself from saying or doing something. "Is that an order, Commander?"

He leaned in close behind her. "If you don't march your ass back to that room, I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you there. Take your pick Shepard." He was not altogether bluffing, but he hoped that she would not test to see how far he would actually go.

A soft, derisive laugh slipped past her lips for a moment. She shook her head slightly before roughly brushing past him and back towards the room they had just left. Kaidan followed directly behind her, engaging the lock to the door as it slid shut.

He watched silently as she walked over to the desk in the room, leaning up against its edge. She would not even look at him. Instead, she stood there, hands gripping the edge of the desk, as she focused her attention on some invisible spot on the ground.

He felt utterly helpless as he watched her. He had demanded that she come back here, but he had no idea what he could say to her. Everything he had tried to say before had seemingly come out wrong. After seeing the pain in her eyes in the hallway, the last thing he wanted was for either of them to start lashing back out at the other.

Seeing as Shepard was clearly in no mood to talk, Kaidan swallowed his pride and apologized. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said before. I just don't know what I can say to you that won't keep pushing you away. And pushing you away is the last thing I want. Shepard, please. Look at me."

Her hands twitched along the edge of the desk. "Just stop, Kaidan." Her voice had lost its venom, instead sounding resigned, tired.

Yet, she still kept her eyes downcast. Even now, she was as stubborn as always. He sighed and moved to stand in front of her. "I meant it when I told you that I can't stand the thought of losing you, Shepard. Every time."

Gently, he touched her face, his fingers lightly dancing over her skin. Her eyes met his finally, filled with a myriad of emotions. The fierce intensity of her gaze made his thoughts falter. "Alexis, I..."

His words died as her mouth was suddenly on his, hungry with need. She wasted no time in taking advantage of his surprise. Her tongue pushed past his lips, assaulting him with her all too familiar taste. A low growl settled in his throat as two years of repressed desire came flooding back to him.

Roughly, he pressed his body against hers, pinning her to the desk in the process. He used his newfound leverage to bear his mouth down hard against hers, forcing her to abandon her current bid for dominance. He felt her fingers dig into his arms as he greedily invaded her own mouth, tongues meeting and teeth biting. More than once, she managed to get his lower lip between her teeth and tug before he pressed his advantage and pushed his way back between her lips.

Her hands began to work on divesting him of his uniform jacket, her trembling fingers fumbling at the clasps. Fumbling turned to pulling as they failed at their task. He broke from their kiss, his own hands moving to assist hers. He pried her shaking fingers from his jacket. Pausing a moment, he held onto her hands, feeling them quiver still, realizing it wasn't just her hands. Concern burned through the fog of desire that had clouded his thoughts. "Shepard, what's wrong?"

She shifted slightly underneath him, her body rubbing against his. He could feel parts of himself react immediately to her hips shifting against him, but using more willpower than he thought he had, he ignored the feeling and focused on her. "Do you really want to talk right now?"

_No, not really. God help me, no I don't want to talk. I want your clothes off, and I want to be so far inside you, I can't pull out._ "Yes, I do; you're trembling."

He watched as annoyance flickered briefly over her face. "Well, Ilos was a long time ago. For both of us." She shifted her hips against him again, almost making him lose control, but he rallied and disregarded the demands of his body where she pressed tightly against him.

"I highly doubt that Ilos was anywhere on your mind earlier, Shepard," he said dryly. "And you were shaking almost as much then."

She yanked her hands away from him, her defenses quickly sliding back into place. At the very least, she might stop tormenting him with her every intentional move. "I was also quite angry then, in case you forgot."

"That's an awfully long time to be so angry that you are literally shaking, Shepard."

"What can I say. A lot of things really piss me off this days." _Like you._ She never actually said the words, but she did not have to. Her storming eyes spoke clearly enough for her.

"You can be as angry as you like. But we're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong." He kept his voice calm despite the warning bell ringing in the back of his mind. His panic did not need to be her panic.

Angrily, she shoved him away, her biotics flaring brightly for a moment. The combined energies should have sent him slamming into the wall. Instead, he staggered back briefly from her surprisingly weak blow. Instinctively, he grabbed a hold of her waist as she began to move, refusing to let her try to run out again.

He felt her body stumble into his, her hands bracing themselves on his chest. He tightened his arm around her waist to help steady her while allowing him to hold her close. "I think it's time you told me exactly what's going on, Shepard. That's an order."


	7. Chapter 6: Confusion

**Chapter 6: Confusion**

In hindsight, Shepard probably should not have tried to biotically throw Kaidan across the room. Her intent had been to try and put space quickly between them, yet here she was back in his arms, and not in the way she had hoped early she would be.

It was just that he got underneath her skin, and that really was messing with her head. Sure, she had kissed him, and she certainly had not sensed any objections from him when she had done that. Damn it all, if those far too brief moments had not been the most she had felt alive, well, since she had been brought back to life. But, he had to go and ruin everything by wanting to talk.

Even now, she could hear his smooth voice, muffled as it was over the blood pounding in her ears and resonating static of her biotic energies that failed to discharge. It did not really matter what he was saying though. The only thing she wanted right now was for the room to stop spinning, and maybe to put some more distance between her and Kaidan.

Her world swayed again as she tried to pull away from his grasp, sharp pain stabbing through her temples suddenly. She quickly brought one hand to her forehead, somehow hoping that its presence there would still both the pain and the sudden wave of nausea building in her gut. Her mind only vaguely registered the fact that Kaidan was even still there, supporting her as he walked her elsewhere in the room and placed her in a chair.

Why had she been so stupid? It had been at Basic since she had last overdone it at all - and it had been nothing like this. She knew better. Swallowing the fresh taste of bile that had burned at her throat, she tried to focus – to recall what she was supposed to do.

_Shepard_.

Wait, was that Kaidan, or was she just imagining his voice for a moment? No, that had to have been him. He was still here, his voice still muffled through the haze in her mind. She felt his hands suddenly against her back, leaning her forward gently until she found herself hugging her knees. The loud thundering began to subside in her ears as she was forced to take in several deep breaths.

Even after the initial relief, it still felt like an eternity passed before the edge began to give way. Her mind still felt like liquid fire had engulfed it, and exhausted did not begin to describe how tired she felt. She was fairly certain had her current position been more comfortable, she would be fast asleep. But, the room had stopped spinning, and her stomach no longer churned uneasily.

"Feeling better, Commander?" His voice was calm, professional. What was going on?

"I'm...uh... sort of…" She slowly sat up, wincing as her eyes tried to adjust to the harsh brightness of the room. Her vision blurred as she glanced about the room, the strain intensifying the searing pain in her head.

Kaidan stood a few feet away watching her quietly, his face back to that unreadable mask from before. He turned his attention back to a datapad he held in his hands a moment before setting it aside and walking over to her. "I'm going to need you to answer a few questions then, ma'am. First, I need you to state your name."

_State my name_? What the hell kind of game was Kaidan playing at? She glared at him. "You know good and well what my name is."

"Just answer the question, ma'am." He was still all professional, distant.

Shepard knew orders when she heard them at least. If he wanted to be Commander Alenko now, she'd play his game. " _Former_ Lieutenant Commander Alexis Shepard, of the Systems Alliance Navy, and current agent of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance unit for the Citadel."

"Can you tell me where we are?"

"The Alliance medical facility located in the Kithoi Ward on the Citadel."

"Do you recall why you are here today?"

"Admiral Steven Hackett personally requested that I present myself here for a full medical review. It was to be the first step in a reinstatement process." _Though I have no idea why I am even bothering to continue with this charade now_ , she thought bitterly. "Any other questions that you would like to ask, Commander?"

He pointedly ignored her question. "Stand up, ma'am."

"Just what the hell is the point of all this, Alenko?" she demanded as she stood up. "I didn't fall and hit my head."

"The point, Shepard," he started, the setting of his jaw belying the anger he was masking, "is that I have a pigheaded marine who just suffered a neurological episode. I need to make sure she didn't damage her cognitive abilities."

"My cognitive abilities are just fine."

"Is that so?"

"We're finished here."

"Unfortunately, Commander, that isn't your decision to make. Now sit back down."

"Like hell it isn't. I'm not part of the Alliance. You don't get to order me about like a good little soldier."

"Shepard, you can make this as difficult as you want, but you are staying here."

"You can't force me to stay."

"Actually, I can. I have more than sufficient evidence to prove that you are not only a danger to yourself right now, but also to others – given your display of unchecked biotic impulses. Now, you can either sit back down, and cooperate, like Anderson told you, or I can have someone come in here and sedate you."

"Are you arresting me, Commander?" she asked, dejection in her voice, as she sat back down. This was all beginning to seem eerily familiar.

"The Alliance would prefer such measures be avoided if at all possible." It was as an evasive answer as she would have given in a similar situation. That did not make her feel better.

"How comforting…" It was mostly to herself, but she figured he probably heard her mutter.

"Shepard-"

"Excuse me, sir?" A young Alliance soldier entered through the open door to the room, carrying a tray with few items on it. Shepard furrowed her brow, trying to remember when the door had been opened. She distinctly recalled Kaidan closing the door. How long had she been out of it earlier?

Kaidan motioned for the soldier to set the tray down on the desk. "When was the last time you ate?"

She shrugged, a bit confused as to the purpose of this new question. Her eyes followed the movements of the soldier as he set down the tray and then left the room. "This morning."

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that?" He removed a drink and hypo spray from the tray.

Her head throbbed as she tried to figure out where he was going with this line of questioning. "I don't care what you choose to believe." She had been eating; she was not lying about that. She had just been unable to keep most food down for the past few days.

Closing the distance between them, he placed the drink in her hands. "You don't care about a lot of things," he grabbed hold of her arm and administering whatever was in the hypo spray. "For instance, you obviously don't care about what your neglect is doing to your body, or are you intentionally trying to kill yourself?"

Heat crept along her cheeks as she processed the accusatory note of his words. How farther from the truth could he be. "I had plenty of opportunities to get myself killed a couple of weeks ago. Why would I suddenly start now?"

"You tell me. You're the one claiming that you ate, but yet, you've been running around with a blood sugar level that would leave even a non-biotic unconscious," He released her arm, taking a step back.

"I just...overtaxed my biotics." Shepard averted her eyes from Kaidan, turning her attention to the dark liquid that filled the cup in her hands.

"Except that these glucose level readings were taken before any of your biotic displays. You need to drink that."

She stared at the liquid a moment before finally slamming it back. The familiar too sweet taste of the energy drink assaulted her senses as she forced the liquid down. After all of Cerberus's rebuilding and upgrades, she still hated the taste. "Satisfied?" she kept her eyes locked at the cup she still held in her hands. The trace remnants of the dark liquid slowly seeping their way down the side of the cup.

_Blood began to seep down the unknown woman's face. Slowly at first, then more rapidly as the blood mixed with some clear liquid coating the interior of the pod. The woman's eyes flew open, a mixture of panic and terror in them. Large bleeding welts appeared over her face, her arms, as she futilely began beating against the glass of the pod; her screams silenced by her very captor. A bloody stump slammed into the glass with a sickening thud, smearing blood and meat..._

The cup clattered against the ground, snapping the image from her mind, though the damage had already been done. She felt her throat clench tightly before her stomach emptied itself of its sparse contents.


	8. Chapter 7: Confessions

**Chapter 7: Confessions**

God, she was a wreck. The sheer force of the mass effect shields appeared to be the only thing holding her together. He kept waiting for her to just fall to pieces.

The  _Normandy_  was stronger than she looked currently. It had taken them the better part of two weeks to navigate back to the Citadel, but Shepard had been insistent that they find port there rather than Omega or Illium, especially after her spectacular blow out with the Illusive Man after destroying the Collector Base. Besides, the Commander had mentioned that both the Alliance Brass and the Council wanted to meet with her. She had been mum as to why, if she knew anything more than that.

Forty-eight hours ago, Joker insisted on remaining with the repair crews when Shepard began issuing mandatory shore leave for the majority of the crew. He did not trust anyone else to handle his baby. Besides, someone had to look after EDI and make sure her systems were fully restored as well.

Of course, the shore leave had not included the Commander herself. He had seen her come and go several times over the course of the past two days, but she seemed business as usual every time. Guess she figured two years dead had been enough shore leave.

He grimaced at the morbid thought. Damn, he still felt guilty about those two years, even if Shepard never took him to task over his stubborn insubordination that caused her death.

"EDI, how are the repairs coming?" He must have been desperate for a distraction if he was considering actual work right now. Sure, he spent most of his time on the bridge anyways, because, well, leather seats, but he did not want to dwell on such thoughts. Work would be better.

The pale blue glow from the orb to his left caught his eye, as EDI flicked to life. "Internal system diagnostics are still compiling. They are almost complete. External repairs, I currently estimate complete at 79%. We will need several more days in dock before the hull is capable of handling the stress of travel."

"Because we didn't just travel from the center of the Galaxy with these hull breaches."

"We travelled out of necessity, Jeff. I made several recommendations to the Commander to stop at other ports for repairs; however, Shepard had insisted that we return to the Citadel."

"I'm sure the Commander was trying to avoid any unnecessary encounters with Cerberus lackeys."

"The chances of encountering a Cerberus operative on the Citadel are just as high as they would have been on Illium or Omega. I would suspect higher actually."

"Heh, probably." He really did not want to entertain the thoughts of what a Cerberus operative would be up to should they try to intercept the  _Normandy_  or her crew while they were docked.

"Internal system diagnostics are now complete, Jeff. All necessary systems are fully operational. I have detected some minor anomalies in other systems. I am currently trying to isolate and quarantine them."

"Good girl. Anything we should be worried about?"

"I do not believe so. These anomalies appear to be Cerberus failsafe programs that have not activated; however, Cerberus had not anticipated that Commander Shepard or her crew would unshackle me. I do not believe that even if they were active that they would pose any problem to the ship. Given their location, most of these programs would simply observe and report information back to a Cerberus location."

Joker turned away from his console to look at EDI's interface. "I thought we got rid of all the Cerberus spyware aboard."

EDI flickered slightly, a trait she had picked up to signify annoyance of late. "We have removed all recording devices for audio and video; however, there could still be sub-routines implanted in systems – such as I found – that could report back other ship functions to Cerberus locations. In addition, they could also report back any files still archived here from before we removed the devices."

Archived files? That perked his interest. "What kind of files?"

"The unrestricted files are merely the ship-wide surveillance that was sent back to the Illusive Man at regular intervals; however, the majority of the files are still restricted from general user access."

"But not to you, EDI. Anything in those files that the Commander should know about?"

"I have already shared the necessary archived files with the Commander. Most of the ones of interest to her are the ones she personally restricted."

Okay, now that was odd. The Commander had not been keeping private logs aboard the  _Normandy_  in fear of someone or something from Cerberus snooping about the system and locating them. He had helped her locate the actual journals that she had used to document their journey, and they had deposited those on the Citadel prior to embarking on the last leg of their suicide mission. Her official "reports" for Cerberus had been short, direct, and anything but useful, so hardly worth restricting access.

"What on earth would the Commander want restricted? She got some secret naked photos or something?" Joker grinned. He doubted that was the case, but he could dream - even if the dream would get him broke in half by his CO. It was pure "art" appreciation.

EDI flickered in annoyance again. "Those files are personal, Jeff."

"Call me nosy."

"I have been instructed to keep those files private. Besides, the contents would not conform to the requisite criteria to any of the extranet sites you frequent."

Joker laughed at the jab the AI made at his expense. It was true enough, so no point in denying it. "Fine, Mom, we'll leave the Commander's files…"

"Jeff, there is an incoming priority call from an Alliance medical facility in the Kithoi Ward." EDI generally didn't cut him off. He'd been teaching her some human etiquette to help her get along with the crew, so it must have been something urgent for her to interrupt him of all people. After all, he talked to her the most. She was his ship.

Frowning a bit, he wondered why they would be getting a call from a medical facility, and why that would be so urgent. Did Jack get drunk and get into a brawl with some Alliance troops? If so, he wondered if there was video of that. He punched a few buttons on his console. "This is the  _Normandy._ "

"Joker?"

He bit back a sigh as he recognized the voice on the other end. Suffice to say, Kaidan Alenko was one of the last people he wanted to speak with. They had not left things on the best of terms two years ago, mainly on account of both men blaming the pilot for Shepard's death.

"The Commander isn't here, Alenko." Maybe if he cut right to the chase, he could get Kaidan to go away.

"What?" It was impossible to miss the annoyance in the other man's voice.

"Commander Shepard? She's not here. She's probably in some meeting with Anderson. I figured being his lapdog these days, you'd know that. Or are we exercising the 'Intelligence Not Expected' angle finally?"

There was a long pause. He could only imagine the pained look on his former friend's face as he tried to puzzle out that insult, and that image made him grin. When Kaidan finally spoke again, the annoyance had become notes of anger. "I'm not calling to speak with Shepard. Is Dr. Chakwas there?"

"Chakwas? A bit old for you, isn't she, buddy?" He wanted to laugh, to let his former friend know he was kidding, but he figured that would be in bad taste. He settled for drumming his fingers lightly against the soft leather armrest.

The marine on the other end of the call certainly was not appreciating his humor either. Kaidan growled the words through the connection. "Just transfer the damn call to her."

"Dr. Chakwas is not aboard the  _Normandy_  currently, Commander Alenko." Joker caught a flash of blue from the corner of his eye, as the AI interjected on his behalf. Joker turned to look at EDI's interface once more, shaking his head in silent protest. She was ruining all his fun.

There was a moment of silence, followed by a quiet sigh. "Do you know where she is? Or at the very least, do you have any way to contact her?"

"What's so damn important that you…." Joker stopped himself mid-question. It was Shepard, and if Kaidan was calling from a medical facility looking for Chakwas. He was ready to assume the worst. "What did you do to her?"

"What did  _I_  do to her?" Joker was silently pleased that there was most of the Citadel distance to separate the marine from him. "I'm not the one who got her killed."

Joker scowled at the comment. "Shepard was just fine when she left her this morning. Alive and everything."

"Well, she's not fine now. So find me Chakwas before you get her killed again." The line then went silent as it was disconnected from the other side.

"I'm really beginning to hate that guy," Joker muttered, yanking his hat off his head. One of these days, Kaidan was really going to have stop beating that particular horse. "And I could have sworn that Shepard said things had gone well when she spoke to him on Horizon."

"I do not believe the Commander had been truthful when you spoke to her about Horizon, Jeff."

Joker quirked an eyebrow as he looked to EDI. "What do you mean?"

EDI flickered for a moment before a recording of Miranda's voice began.

" _Where we were able to stop the Collectors from making off with the entire colony, I am worried that Shepard's experience on Horizon may be problematic. She's obstinately refused to comment on her encounter with Commander Alenko, but his words alone have confirmed that there was something beyond a professional relationship between the two. Beyond that, he referred to her as a traitor and accused her of faking her own death. Based on all the information I've studied, these statements are contrary to the woman we believe her to be."_

"EDI," Joker grimaced slightly. He had heard enough of that report to get the idea.

EDI's interface flickered slightly again. "I also have some audio recordings from the Forward Batteries with Officer Vakarian and Engineer Tali'zorah, confirming Director Lawson's report. Would you like me to play those?"

Joker shook his head. "No, no, that won't be necessary." Why would the Commander have lied like that? He at least knew what the deal was between her and Alenko, a lot more than anyone else on the ship.

He sighed a bit. "Anything else that you've been hiding away about the Commander, EDI?"

"Only the files that the Commander requested to be restricted."

"Do any of those files corroborate what the others are saying?"

"Yes." EDI flashed briefly red for a moment. "I also believe that Commander Alenko's comments from his call may have some credence."

"And you didn't think that was important to let anyone know about before now?"

He was never sure how she managed to do it, but EDI looked positively guilty for a second. "Those file are restricted. It was not my place to say. Besides, I gave the Commander my word. I was not going to betray her confidence."

Joker slowly stood up, always worried that he might move to fast and break something, and slipped his hat back on. "For future reference, it's okay to disclose medical concerns about the Commander should you get them. Just… try to get in touch with Dr. Chakwas while I go see if Miranda is available."

"Of course, Jeff," EDI said before powering down her interface to do as asked.

Moving a bit quicker than he normally would have, Joker made his way from the bridge to Miranda's office on the Crew Deck. He was not sure how much of Kaidan's dire statement was exaggeration, but he was not going to let someone claim he was responsible for Commander Shepard's second death.

The door to Miranda's office slid open, revealing the brunette to be sitting behind her desk. She glanced briefly at him with her icy blue eyes. "Yes, Mr. Moreau?"

He hobbled forward into her office, sitting down in one of the chairs. "Remember when I first joined up and you asked me to keep an eye on Shepard? To let you know if something seemed amiss about her?"

Miranda smirked and returned her gaze back down to a datapad on her desk. "Yes, and I quite clearly recall you telling me that I'd be the last person Shepard would ever want you disclosing anything to."

"Yeah, well. I'm pretty sure that's still the case, but I don't think I've got much of a choice."

Miranda set the datapad aside and looked back to him. "Just say what you need to say, Mr. Moreau. If it's about the Commander, it's important."

"I think something's wrong with her."

"What makes you say that?"

He took a deep breath and hoped that Shepard would not find a reason to come back here and turn him into a eunuch when she found out. "Because Commander Alenko just called. Shepard's currently at the Alliance medical facility in the Kithoi Ward."

Concern touched Miranda's face. "Did he say what was wrong?"

Joker shook his head. "No, just told me that if I couldn't find Dr. Chakwas…"

"Jeff," EDI interrupted. "I have managed to get in touch with Dr. Chakwas. She stated that she could be at the facility in 25 minutes."

"Thank you, EDI," Miranda took charge of the conversation. Shepard still trusted the woman as her XO, even though Joker had no idea why. He let it pass though. "Let Dr. Chakwas know that I will be meeting her there. If she requires anything from her clinic, I can bring it with me."

"Yes, Miranda."

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Moreau. I'll handle it from here. You can go back to overseeing repairs with EDI." Miranda said, dismissingly.

He never even told her any of his direct concerns. Had she suspected something all along? It didn't matter, he guessed. The people who knew the most about the Commander would be all in one place soon. Joker left the room quietly, making his way back to the bridge. He almost wanted to go with Miranda to see Shepard. It would be worth the risk of three angry biotics to see Alenko have to square off against the Ice Princess.


	9. Chapter 8: Little Known Facts

**Chapter 8: Little Known Facts**

Kaidan's head hurt, the pain throbbing right below his temples. It was not one of his migraines. Not yet anyway. Between Shepard, Joker, and Captain McCoy, it was only a matter of time. He had been expectant of problems with Shepard, and even Joker if he had to deal with the arrogant flyboy. He had not expected the commanding officer of the facility to get involved.

Captain McCoy had plainly told him that under no circumstances would he approve any of the Alliance doctors to oversee the care of Commander Shepard, not after she started to have biotic breakdowns that threatened the lives of his staff. If Admiral Hackett had any issues with this, he could "bring his fat ass down from Arcturus and handle it himself".

At the very least, he had been able to get the Captain to concede that Shepard could remain at the facility, so long as an outside doctor was brought in. Hence why Kaidan ended up talking to Joker. Dr. Chakwas was one of the known former-Alliance crew on the Normandy, so his best chance of finding her was by contacting the ship.

He resisted an urge to run a hand in frustration through his hair before entering the private room he had stashed Shepard in. After her last little episode, she had been far more compliant with doing as he asked, so there hadn't been much fighting to get her moved. That had been one of the few pluses. Shepard did not want to talk or argue, and he had no desire to listen to her excuses any longer.

She was sitting on the bed in the room, legs pulled to her chest, staring at some unseen point on the wall. At least in the short time he had left her alone, she had not removed the IV that he managed to stick her with, despite the dark glare she had given him when he informed her that she did not have a choice. If she was not able to keep down liquids, he figured it was the safest way to force nutrients back into her body.

As he watched her in silence, he felt his anger returning, partly at her for being so damn stubborn that she would let herself get to this point. He was mostly angry at himself, for not noticing it sooner, and mainly for almost letting his more primal urges take advantage of her in this state. He had always wanted all of her, not just her body. He was not about to start living by just his lusts, no matter how long it had been.

Snatching the datapad that currently housed Shepard's medical records, Kaidan leaned against the wall and busied himself with reviewing the information. He was by no means a doctor, so beyond drawing blood and making sure her stats were stable, he had nothing more that he could do. Joker had better make sure Dr. Chakwas got here soon, or else he'd personally go make sure that the pilot would be grounded for a few weeks with several broken bones.

"Commander?" A female voice, decidedly not belonging to Chakwas, carried into the room. Glancing up, Kaidan saw a brunette wearing a skintight black cat suit, complete with heels, enter. Another woman, a redhead, walked in behind her, wearing a uniform emblazoned with Cerberus markings and carrying a duffel.

"You called Dr. Frankenstein?" Shepard shifted slightly on the bed to look at the room full of people.

"Shepard, I really wish you wouldn't call me that."

"You have to admit, Miranda, it's a rather amusing comparison given your role in the Lazarus Project," the redhead interjected. "Of course, that would make the Commander your monster."

"And as you can tell, the locals are not very keen on letting me loose currently. Afraid I'll terrorize all the little doctors here," Shepard smirked a bit, although no mirth reached her blue eyes.

"Shepard," Miranda chided. Kaidan was not really sure what to think of the vixen in the cat suit, but at least he was not the only one that did not find much humor in the current conversation.

"Is Igor not so eager to help out in the old laboratory any more, Miri?"

"Not particularly. If you recall, I shot him for trying to kill you," Miranda didn't miss a beat. "Now, do you want to tell me what is going on?"

Shepard shrugged slightly. "You'll need to ask the local sheriff. I'm being held here for my own protection."

Miranda turned to Kaidan, one hand on a hip, as she looked him over with her icy blue eyes. "I suppose you have sufficient reasons for your actions, Commander?"

Now that the brunette had turned to face him, he could see the mark above her left breast signifying her Cerberus affiliation. Shepard's claims that neither she nor the Normandy were affiliated with that organization certainly did not seem to be the case given the uniforms of the women that came to see her. "I'm afraid that information is for the Commander and her attending physician, Dr. Chakwas."

A brief flicker of annoyance flashed in the icy blue eyes staring at him. It seemed that Miranda was not accustomed to people not answering her questions. "As you can see, Dr. Chakwas is not here yet, but I am more than capable of attending to Shepard in the meantime."

"I'll wait for Dr. Chakwas. I called for her. Not some Cerberus crone." He returned her cool stare.

"This  _Cerberus crone_  spent the past two years becoming intimately familiar with the patient. If something is wrong, I really should know about it."

 _Two years_. Now he remembered this woman. She had been with Shepard on Horizon, one of the Cerberus lackeys at her back. Any warmth that threatened to remain in his demeanor fled. "If you are as familiar with the patient as you claim, then you should have noticed what was wrong long before now."

"I am sitting right here. You don't have to keep referring to me as 'the patient'." He felt the tiny flicker of ice in the room, and he kept himself from reprimanding her. It was hard for angry biotics to keep a full check on even tiny flickers of energy.

"Are you actually ready to start talking about whatever is going on inside that thick head of yours?" He watched as Shepard glared angrily at him once more. At least the anger indicated that she was beginning to feel better.

"Why don't you get the fuck out of here?"

"I won't ask quite as eloquently as the Commander here," Dr. Chakwas entered the room, dressed in sleeveless long black dress, a shawl wrapped about her shoulders. "But, it would be best if you did leave. For the moment at least."

Kaidan stepped forward and handed the datapad to Dr. Chakwas, who smiled gently at him. From the corner of his eye, he spied Miranda smirking smugly in his general direction. "If you have any questions, Doctor, please let me know," he hesitated briefly at the door before leaving the room.

As the door began to slide shut, he heard Shepard say, "Miranda, that will be all that is needed. You and Chambers can go as well." Even through the shut door, he could hear the protest from Miranda. He just was not sure if he should be comforted by the fact that Shepard was keeping him on equal footing as the Cerberus crone.

A few moments later, Miranda and the redhead, sans duffel bag, left the room, Miranda's heels clicking loudly across the floor as she stalked over to him. "Chambers, go let Joker know that Dr. Chakwas has arrived." Chambers' green eyes were rather wide as she squeaked, "Yes, Miss Lawson," before hurrying off. "What the hell did you do to her?"

Kaidan had had enough. Shepard had all but exhausted his self control earlier, and the combination of dealing with Joker and now this woman, had his nerves twitching nervously with repressed biotic energy. "I think it's time that you went back to your ship."

"She's not your girlfriend any more, Commander," Miranda challenged him silently with her icy blue eyes.

"And she's not some Cerberus science project any longer."

"If it weren't for Cerberus, she'd still be dead and forgotten by you Alliance types. You - of all people - should be grateful for what we did."

"Grateful? For what? Convincing her to defect and join up in the ranks of some terrorist organization?"

Miranda slapped him hard, his cheek stinging from the sudden contact. "Do you honestly think so little of her to think she would actually defect, you blind ass?"

Grabbing hold of her arm that just slapped him, he twisted it around her back swiftly, forcing her to stumble to her knees. The reaction was automatic, and he didn't even feel a pang for doing it. That scared him a little, but he didn't let it show in the cold words that came from his throat, releasing her arm as he spoke. "Don't begin to presume that you know anything about how I think or feel about Shepard."

She glared up at him with anger and pain. "What is it going to take to make you understand that she really was dead?"

"Absolutely nothing you have to say will ever convince me of that, Miss Lawson," he straightened the sleeves to his jacket as he spoke.

Something sparked in her eyes at his words. "She was dead, Commander. When I first saw her body, she was not even a shell of whom she is in that room right now."

"No, she's barely a shell of whom she was two years ago." Bitterness seeped into his voice.

Miranda slowly stood up, keeping a reserved distance away from him once she was on her feet. "She's exactly the same person that she was when the Collectors destroyed the original Normandy. I made sure of that."

"Because you're the so-called expert."

"I've spent more than two years studying almost every aspect of her life. I've read files, watched videos, spoken to the people she knew. Well, most of the people," she looked pointedly at him. "There's remarkably little I don't know about her." She paused briefly, whether hoping he would comment - he could not say, before continuing, "The one thing that stands out is that whenever she had to choose between anything and the Alliance. The Alliance won. She chose it over a fiancé. She even gave up a chance to attend Juilliard in order to enlist. I've never heard her play piano, but the school's reputation speaks enough of her talent."

His stomach twisted in knots as she spoke. It had been at her funeral when he learned of her ability to play, when her friend Chelsea had played an audio recording. Even now, he could hear the haunting tones of the piano, something that always reminded him of all the things he never got to know about Shepard. And now he wondered how much of what this Cerberus bitch knew was because other people told her, or because Shepard opened up to her.

"I'm certain that if she had been able, she would have chosen the Alliance to help her stop the Collectors. Is that enough to prove my expertise in the matter, Commander?" Miranda certainly was not trying to mask the superior tone in her voice.

"But for everything that you know, you couldn't see that she's falling apart? Whatever's going on, it's not a recent development."

"I'm afraid that I have to agree with the Commander, Miranda." Dr. Chakwas said as she left Shepard's room.

"What's wrong with her?"

"What did she say?"

Dr. Chakwas smiled, looking rather amused, as Miranda and Kaidan bombarded her with questions simultaneously. "Commander, would you happen to know where I might find Councilor Anderson?"

Kaidan did his best to reign in his frustration. "He was here earlier, but I would have someone try him at his office on the Presidium."

"Thank you, Commander. You can go back in to see her if you would like." She then turned to Miranda. "Walk with me, Miss Lawson."

Miranda looked quickly from Kaidan to Dr. Chakwas, seeming a bit apprehensive about leaving. "Of course, Doctor." She then turned and began walking away with Doctor Chakwas.

He watched as they walked away, wondering if Dr. Chakwas would share any of the information that he gleaned from Shepard with the other woman. That thought alone made him more than a little jealous.

Damn it. He did not want to be jealous of Shepard and some Cerberus woman. He would just find a way to get Shepard to talk to him. He crossed back over to the door, letting it slide open, as he said, "Shepard, we need to..."

His words trailed off as he took in the sight of her. She was facing mostly away from the door, in the process of pulling on a t-shirt. The light shined softly across her pale skin, his eyes drifting from her back to the soft curve of one of her breasts before the dark material of the shirt obscured his view. He felt his body stiffen as he recalled just how much more of that bare flesh he had almost had full access to earlier.

She turned to face him, a soft look on her face. "We need to, what, Kaidan?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9: Taking Cover**

There was one of two ways Shepard had been accustomed to men looking at her, either as the hard ass commander or as some blonde pinup model. More often than not, men never saw past the commander aspect, but every now and then, even a fellow marine would get that lusty glint in his eye. Truth be told, it never bothered her even then. It was nice at times to see a man look at her as something more than just another soldier.

When she had turned to tell Kaidan to finish his thoughts, she saw that same lust-filled look in his eyes, though he tried to mask it from her. It was a look she had seen him try to hide countless times before, back when they both served aboard the  _Normandy_ , a look that she had missed. A small smile played about her lips as she settled back on the bed. She might as well make the most of her confinement.

"Words, Kaidan. Use them." She took note that he had still not finished his thought from earlier. He was too busy staring.

"You, uh, seem to be feeling better." He forced his gaze to meet hers. Her change of clothes seemed to distract him, the simple cotton t-shirt and shorts conforming to her body.

"Much," she pulled her legs up against her chest, the cotton shorts hiking further up her thighs as she did. His eyes drifted a moment as he followed the movement of her legs before shifting uncomfortably. "Everything alright there, Kaidan?"

He smiled that small half-smile, her heart skipping slightly with the quirk of his lips. "Just a bit warm in here."

She could not help but laugh slightly. He had been stuck in his Class As all day, and as she recalled, those were anything but cool. Biotics tended to have higher body temperatures as it were, and whoever designed the dress uniform certainly had not taken that into consideration. "Must just be you. I find it almost chilly in here."

He gave her a dark look as he undid the buttons to his jacket. She raised one eyebrow, full of mock suspicion, mostly. "What are you doing?"

"Getting comfortable," he removed the jacket, revealing a black undershirt that fit him like a second skin. She felt her mouth go dry as it was her turn to let her eyes wander, drinking in the sight of his muscled chest, abs, and the now rather noticeable bulge in his pants.

"Don't stop there," she muttered softly as she watched him set the jacket on a counter.

"What was that?"

She ignored the fact that heat crept along her cheeks. "Nothing," she answered a bit quickly. "So what exactly did you want when you came in here?"

"To talk."

She pointedly looked from his eyes to his pants as he walked closer to the bed. "Certainly doesn't look like you want to talk."

"Shepard…" His voice was strained, frustrated, as he rubbed absently at the back of his neck.

"What?" She moved to the edge of the bed, kneeling in front of where he stood. With the height of the bed, she found herself looking directly into his eyes.

"We really do need to talk."

She brought one hand to his muscled stomach, feeling the heat radiating from his body through his shirt. Her fingers absently traced patterns along his stomach, his body almost leaning into the touch. "I'd say that your body has different ideas of what we need."

"It's not the one in charge." His voice was hoarse, rough, and that made parts of her tingle in response. She missed that voice.

"Maybe," She let her hand trail down his stomach to the waist of his pants, "it should be." Deliberately, she brushed her fingers against him, delighting in the sudden intake of breath she heard from him.

"You're making this rather…"

"Hard?" She hooked her fingers along the inside of his pants and tugging him forward.

"Difficult," he quickly countered, his hands settling on her hips as he steadied himself from the sudden movement. Even through the thin fabric of her clothes, she could feel the static of his biotics tingle against her skin, a sensation that made parts of her tighten eagerly.

She leaned forward, her body laying into his as she did, and whispered in his ear, "I prefer hard." To emphasize her point, she shifted her hips against his, feeling another surge of static from his fingers that sent her mind reeling back.

Their bodies were pressed hard against one another. As Shepard maintained her leverage to keep Kaidan pinned against the wall, she could feel one of his arms tight about her waist, one leg firmly between hers. His warm breath, ragged as it was, tickled her ear. It was all she could do at the moment to remind herself that they were like this out of necessity, but for some reason, the scent of hot, sweaty marine made her almost forget about the pistols in their hands and the armor between their bodies.

The resonating sound of a sniper round barreling into the wall behind them was the main reason she had not forgotten. Her eyes flicked briefly to the shotgun laying several feet away on the ground. It had fallen from her hands as Kaidan had roughly dragged her into the cover position behind the crates. The crates had barely offered enough cover to keep one person hidden from the sniper's scope, but there were not any viable alternatives. So they made do by sharing while they waited.

The moments began to tick by, seconds turning into minutes. All the while, her mind toyed with the various ways that did not involve imminent peril to get her Lieutenant to smell exactly like he did right now. Shepard flexed her fingers along the pistol in her left hand, trying to distract herself from the inappropriate thoughts.  _Damn it, why doesn't Liara go get help if she can't flush out the sniper on her own?_

She felt both of their bodies stiffen as the sound of footsteps began to echo through the room. It seemed that the sniper's patience had begun to wear thin. Glancing up to the second floor balconies, she could see several vantage points that would leave them exposed if the sniper set up there. They could not wait for Liara anymore.

Quickly prepping a mnemonic Lift, Shepard reached out from beyond cover towards her shotgun, hoping to draw the sniper's attention to the object. As the burst of energy left her fingertips, the sound of several shots rang throughout the room.

A wash of crackling energy rippled through her as Kaidan jerked her fully back into cover, her nerves and biotics flaring to life in the process. Tiny pulses began to spark through her body, sending a shiver down her spine, as her muscles twitched excitedly. She felt his hands grip her hips tightly, trying to steady her, energy racing from his fingers as they moved. Shepard found herself gasping into his neck as the sensations made her ache, the sweaty, intoxicating scent of him refilling her already reeling mind. What she wouldn't give to find out what his kiss tasted like right now….

"Skipper!" a female voice called out, followed closely by a loud pop of biotic energy dissipating about Shepard and Kaidan.

The combination of Ashley's rotten timing and the snap of the biotics brought Shepard quickly back to her senses. She was all too aware of how very close her body was against his, and that his hands were straddling that territory somewhere between hips and ass. Pulling away from him, she let herself rest a moment against the score-marked wall behind them. She looked over at him, seeing his chest rise and fall rapidly beneath the armor, but never quite making it to look him in the eyes. She was a bit too embarrassed to do that just yet.

Shepard quickly staggered out from behind the crates serving as their cover, feeling the need to put quite a bit of space between them. Her cheeks felt flushed as she spied her shotgun, smashed into several pieces on the ground. She had completely forgotten about her own distraction amidst - whatever had just transpired.

"Commander, are you al…" Liara rushed forward, concern showing against her delicate features.

Not wanting to deal with the asari at the moment, Shepard held up a single hand to stop her. Liara's eyes flicked beyond Shepard briefly to Kaidan, who stepped out from behind the crates, a small frown touching her lips.

"Commander..." Liara began again.

"Not. Now. Liara." Shepard simply stalked by both Ashley and Liara towards the Mako. All she wanted was a long, cold shower.

"So, LT, how was she?" she heard Ashley ask as she left the building.

The memory faded almost as quickly as it came, mere seconds actually passing. She pressed her body a bit more firmly against his, as her body ached to feel his biotics spark against hers once more. As she moved against him, his fingers gripped her hips tightly, her shorts bunching in his grasp. If he had not noticed her lack of underwear before, he would be unable to not notice now. "Shepard, you really…"

His persistent need to talk was starting to annoy her. There were many better things that she could think of for him to do with his tongue than talk at the moment. Determined to try and derail whatever train of thought may be persisting in that mind of his, she nipped at his earlobe as her hands worked at unbuttoning his pants.

A low groan escaped his throat, and for a brief moment, she thought she may have finally won this contest, until he moved his hands from her body to stop her hands from their task. "You need to be resting."

"I can sleep when I'm dead." The words had left her mouth before she even realized what she had said, but he immediately stiffened against her.

Kaidan pushed her backwards on the bed as he took a step away, anger almost washing off of him. "Is all of this just some kind of twisted game to you?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just a dumb figure of speech. Just forget I said it."

"Just like I'm supposed to forget that you let me think you were dead for two years?" he snapped.

"That's not fair, Kaidan."

"Fair? Do you have any remote idea of what I went through? You have no right to tell me what is and isn't fair, Shepard."

He was right, and she hated that he was. No matter how much he might doubt now that she had really been dead, he had at least believed it to be true for two years. Her remark was intended to be harmless, not set him off. The sudden harsh rejection was almost too much for her, especially since she had just thrown herself at him for the second time that day.

She felt the familiar sting of tears at the back of her eyes, but she willed them to stay locked away. "Do you honestly think this is only hard on you? You're not the one stuck having to rebuild everything about your life."

"And whose fault is that?" He snatched his jacket and hurriedly put it back on.

"Right, I keep forgetting. It's all somehow my fault for some superior alien vessel tracking down the  _Normandy_  with the sole intent of making sure I ended up dead." She stared at him, not bothering to hide her anguish. "Because being spaced is something that I enjoy remembering."

"You can stick to that story all you want, Shepard. I'm not buying it." His voice was cold once more as he spoke.

"Believe whatever the hell you want, Alenko. I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince you anymore. But one of these days, you're going to have to accept the fact that I really was dead."

"Well, you did get one thing right. The woman I loved did die two years ago," He straightened his jacket.

Any lingering traces of desire evaporated as his words sunk home, her heart sinking in her chest. "I'm not the one who changed, Kaidan."

"Keep telling yourself that, Alexis." Then he was gone, leaving her alone once more.


	11. Chapter 10: Broken

**Chapter 10: Broken**

Kaidan lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing that sleep would finally come. He had been home for the better part of five hours now, having had time to devour what passed for dinner, take two cold showers, and then try to sleep. It was that sleep part that he was still having problems with. His body ached as he felt as if his efforts with Shepard had trampled almost every inch of him, pushing the limits of his control. His head pulsed with pain, his chest ached with grief, and certain parts throbbed angrily, apparently upset with the cold showers earlier.

He had really hoped that the migraine that had threatened to set in earlier would have taken hold by now. At least then, he could have taken his meds and passed out from the side effects, rather than the perpetual torment of lying awake with only his thoughts, memories. There was no rest from the effects of Hurricane Alexis.

" _Do you have anyone waiting for you back home?"_

_The blonde woman in front of him smirked a bit into her coffee cup. "Hurricane Alexis? No, there's not quite been someone capable of handling me. Besides, home is whichever ship they currently have me assigned to."_

" _Hurricane Alexis?"_

_She gave a half shrug. "Just a nickname that seems to have stuck with some of my so called friends. They claim that my life is far too tumultuous to afford any kind of stable relationship."_

" _And those are your friends?" Kaidan quirked one eyebrow._

" _They're not so bad," she grinned slightly. "And they're not entirely wrong. Spending less than a month every year not deployed on some classified mission or on some extended cruise doesn't make it easy to have a relationship with anyone outside the Alliance."_

" _Doesn't that run the risk of fraternization? N7s aren't known for being in one place for a long time typically."_

" _One of the many complications that have kept me from pursuing any relationship of the sort. Not that there's been anyone capable of weathering the storm yet, so to speak," her tone became a bit more playful suddenly._

" _Yet?"_

_She leaned in close a moment, her voice low and husky. "I'm still examining my options."_

_He felt a faint flush of heat, partially from the directness of her words but more from the sudden lack of space between them. It was the first time outside a combat zone that he could recall their bodies being this close, and it was very distracting – made worse by the fact that he could smell her perfume. He had never noticed her perfume before, the burnt ozone of biotics tended to overpower everything on the battlefield, but now, there was just a trace hint of that ozone that mingled with her perfume. It reminded him of the ocean before a storm._

Kaidan pushed the offending memory aside. It was two years later, and she still smelled the same as she did back then. It was not something he wanted to dwell on, not after today. The little things like how she smelled, or how she said his name, were not welcome at the moment. They only served as painful reminders of the shell of the person he thought she was, reminders of how she changed.

She had  _died_ , and it had changed everything for him.

" _Your mother is worried about you."_

_Let her worry, he wanted to tell his father. He had only come home because he had no idea where to go on the mandatory leave the Alliance had forced on the crew. Their travel had been restricted due to the ongoing investigation with the destruction of the Normandy, and neither the Citadel nor Arcturus had seemed like good ideas. "I'll be fine," Kaidan muttered staring into the whiskey he held in his hands._

" _We're family, Kaidan. We can help you through this." The words sounded odd coming from his father. Never once had the man ever tried to reach out to him, not really anyway. They reconciled several years ago for his mother's sake, but it had not been more than to make his sparse visits easier on the rest of the family._

" _And how's that?" Kaidan refused still to look to the other man._

" _Talk to us. Your mother, your sister, me. Someone."_

" _No thanks," he slammed back the whiskey. The only person he needed to talk to was dead._

" _You have to let someone in eventually, Kaidan. Bottling it up will only destroy you, bit by bit, until you can't recognize who you are any more."_

" _Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing."_

_His father was quiet for several long moments, and Kaidan could almost feel the steely-eyed gaze on his back. "You don't have to let this change you."_

" _Not let it change me? The Normandy was destroyed. Her commanding officers – a good portion of her crew – killed during the attack. Exactly how is that not going to change me?" he turned to look at his father._

" _There was nothing you could have done to prevent any of that, Kaidan. You did your job."_

" _Don't you see? That's the problem. I was the good, obedient soldier. I followed my orders even though I could have…" he faltered at the words._

" _Could have what?"_

" _I could have forced her to leave."_

_God help him, if he could have gone back in time, he would have ignored her orders, slapped her in a stasis field and gotten her to the escape pod. He did not care that it meant Joker would not have made it and that Shepard would likely never forgive him. To be able to see the fury of emotions in her eyes, to see her…_

Kaidan quickly got out of his bed and headed to his bathroom, splashing liberal amounts of cold water on his face. Anything to shock his mind from the recent trip down memory lane.

He really did not need Shepard to remind him of the last time he had been home. His sister was all too keen to remind him, especially since he had left quietly that night with just a written apology to his mom. She, at least, said she had understood, but their conversations had never quite been the same since. Because he could not handle Shepard's death.

 _Except she never really died_. He had spent the past two years struggling to accept the fact that he did what he was supposed to have done, no matter how much it hurt. He had distanced himself from so much of his past life, burying himself in work, whatever it took to numb the loss. Eventually, even his dreams stopped tormenting him with reminders of that night before Ilos, or the last time she had kissed him.

_He had been on his way to speak to Joker at the bridge when Shepard came rushing by him on the steps leading away from the CIC. Something had her wound up, distracted. He could feel the thrum of her biotics practically radiating from her._

_"Shepard?" he called after her._

_She stopped her quick descent and looked back to him. She said nothing, but then she did not need to say anything. She looked exhausted, frustrated. The wild goose chase after Geth was wearing on her._

_He moved down the steps to her. Joker could wait a few minutes. They had been doing their best to keep everything strictly professional aboard the Normandy. They still talked, but sometimes it was easier to avoid temptation by avoiding each other. However, he could still offer an ear professionally. "I'm still here if you need anything."_

_Professionalism went straight out the airlock as soon as her lips were on his. There was something hot, demanding, and almost desperate about the way she kissed him. He was suddenly far too aware that it had been three weeks since they had any amount of real physical contact, and it had been longer still since that night before Ilos._

_His biotics flared brightly for a moment as he tried to hold in the sudden urge to press her against the wall and rectify that problem - regardless of how inappropriate it may be._

_She suddenly pulled away from him, her cheeks flushed. "Damn it... I'm sorry." Then she turned and was gone, having fled down the rest of the stairs and disappearing on to the crew deck._

_Fighting off the impulse to follow her, he took a moment to steady himself before going to speak to Joker. He would let things cool before he talked to Shepard, to find out what was going on._

_Except he had never gotten the chance. The Normandy had been attacked less than three hours later._

He slammed his fist against the metal counter in his bathroom. Ever since Horizon, that particular kiss had tormented him. When he thought that she had been dead, part of him clung to the memory as a final farewell to her. But with her alive, he had begun to doubt everything. Had she been conflicted in her feelings about faking her own death and had wavered in that moment with him? Or had she just been using him?

A loud chime echoed through his apartment, indicating that someone was at the door. He snatched a shirt from his bedroom on the way to the door, wondering who could possibly be bothering him right now. He had just pulled the shirt over his head when he got to the door and opened it.

He immediately felt a pulse of biotic energy jump through him as he saw Joker standing on the other side, grinning a bit too much like the Cheshire Cat. "What do you want, Joker?"

"Oh gee, Kaidan. It's good to see you too. It's been  _such_  a long time. "

"Not long enough."

"How have I been? I've been good all things considered. It's so nice of you to ask, pal."

Kaidan folded his arms across his chest and just stared at the other man.

"Shit, you guys are a bunch of pussies," a bald woman, covered quite literally in tattoos, drawled as she stepped closer. Kaidan had been so intently focused on Joker that he never even noticed her. "So, are you going to let us in or not?"

He raised one eyebrow, looking from the woman to Joker. "And why would I?"

Joker sighed dramatically. "Because I don't think the Commander would appreciate us airing her dirty laundry about in the open."

Kaidan stood there a moment, eyeing both of the people at his door before finally taking a step back - giving them room to enter. He did not know what Joker was getting at, but the quicker he let them in, the quicker he could get rid of them.

Joker let the grin fade as he hobbled past Kaidan, without the assistance of crutches. The bald woman followed him, watching Kaidan with a leering, almost predatorial gaze. As soon as they had entered, he checked to make sure there was no one else behind them and then let the door close.

"What is this about, Joker?"

"You aren't going to offer me something to drink?" the pilot asked as he sat himself down in a chair.

Kaidan calmly kept his eyes on the woman that accompanied Joker. He was not very comfortable with her presence. "That would imply I invited you here."

"Huh, you've been a pretty crappy friend it would seem."

"I'm not your friend."

"You've got to get over this whole I killed your girlfriend thing," Joker sounded slightly hurt, but there was this note of expectation in his voice. The man seriously wanted Kaidan to get over what his insubordination caused.

"If this is why you came here, Joker, you and your," Kaidan paused a moment as he regarded the woman whom he still watched, " _friend_  can get the hell out."

The woman's dark eyes flashed briefly as she watched him. "Why don't you make us?" she sneered at him.

"And, let's not taunt the moody marine, Jack. You're supposed to keep him from killing me, not goad him into it."

Jack snorted slightly. "Shit, that boy scout wouldn't kill you. He's too damned calm."

"Not when it comes to Shepard. So tell me, Alenko, are you trying to break her?"

Kaidan finally turned his attention back to the pilot who looked like he was currently sulking. "I'm not doing anything to Shepard that she didn't start."

"She didn't ask to be spaced, dipshit."

"Then why didn't you follow orders? Are you so damn arrogant to think you could have saved the  _Normandy_? Or was it all just part of her cover to fake her death?"

Joker sat there a moment, shaking his head silently. "Can you honestly say you believe that she would actually do that?"

"Because being brought back from the dead is so very believable."

"I get that back on Horizon you were shocked to see her. I can almost excuse how you talked to her. But seriously, man, you're a fucking moron."

Kaidan felt the dark torrent of energy pull about his hands as he clenched his jaw. Jack was suddenly standing in front of Joker, ablaze in her own biotics. "Don't even think about it, boy scout."

Joker stood up, cursing slightly, and hobbled around Jack. He reached into his pocket and threw some OSDs on the ground in front of Kaidan. "Shepard is probably going to break every bone in my body, but you have no idea of what she's been going through. Hell, none of us know what she's been going through. She doesn't talk about it. Ever. She acts like everything is fine. Except around you."

"And what, these," Kaidan nudged the OSDs with a foot, "are surveillance footage of Shepard around the ship?"

Joker sighed. "No. EDI wouldn't give me any of the surveillance footage that would have been useful since it was from Shepard's cabin. She did give me access to Miranda's private files involving Project Lazarus - in addition to several notable groundside missions that she felt would be prudent for review."

Kaidan had an idea of what could be on those OSDs. That Chambers woman had mentioned the Lazarus Project earlier that day. "And how do I know none of this information is just clever fakes?"

Shaking his head in disgust, Joker started to hobble back towards the front door. "Look, you have the information. Do whatever the hell you want with it." He stopped to look back over his shoulder. "But don't you ever blame me for her death after this. I'm not the one killing her. Come on, Jack," he said as he continued to the door.

Jack walked slowly after Joker, keeping her dark eyes on Kaidan as she moved, that same predatory look in her eyes. Then both of them were gone. Kaidan waited a minute after they left before he went to the door and re-engaged the lock. Heading back into the other room, he used a mnemonic Lift to pull the OSDs to him.

He regarded them quietly. If Joker was being honest, these OSDs held the truth to what happened to Shepard. But they came from Cerberus. How far would these people go to make someone believe what they wanted? Could he really trust anything that they said?

There was only one way to find out. Kaidan walked over to his desk where his private terminal was located and sat down, popping in the OSDs.

_"Lieutenant Alenko. They've recovered the last pod," some unnamed ensign from the SSV Agincourt advised._

_"What's the status?" Kaidan tried to sound official, giving orders, staying calm. It was the last pod. She had to be there._

_"One survivor. He's pretty banged up, but the ship doctor thinks he'll make a full recovery."_

_"One?" he hoped that somehow he had heard wrong. His heart nearly stopped as he waited for the reply._

_"Yes sir, Flight Lieutenant Moreau was the only one aboard."_

_Kaidan felt his mouth go dry as the world listed slightly. Joker. Only Joker made it from the bridge. Oh god, Shepard._

_"Captain Perrati will be by later to confer with you, Lieutenant."_

Silent tears streamed down Kaidan's face as he stared at the first image of Project Lazarus. The familiar Onyx armor - burnt, broken.

_Commander Alexis Shepard was dead._

Several images flashed by as the voice of Miranda Lawson spoke clinically, coldly of what was being done. The armor was slowly removed from the body during the course of the images, leaving a withered husk, bones snapped and shattered. It was virtually unidentifiable.

 _Commander Shepard_.

The voice seemed to repeat that name every few minutes, as if trying to convince him that this body was hers. The rest of the words droned in the background, falling on mostly deaf ears.

The image flashed again, showing a close-up of the charred skull. The lingering remnants of tissue flaking off the bone structures. The face was vacant, hollow - lifeless without her eyes.

_Her blue eyes. It was always those eyes that drew him in. Her eyes had always spoke volumes of what she would not say. The anger, defiance. The desire, longing._

Kaidan blinked and turned his head from the image, trying to shake the thought of her eyes staring out at him from that shell. There had been no eyes to stare into, no blonde hair falling haphazardly across her face, demanding attention.

He took a shuddering breath and braced himself to look back. The image had pulled back from the close-up of the skull, revealing the body laid bare in some kind of operating vat. Tubes had been inserted in several places, a ventilator mask attached to the head, and machines worked tirelessly at some surgery. He watched in twisted wonder as after several minutes the machines stopped at their current task and the unmistakable sound of a heartbeat echoed in the room.

The sound grew louder, almost stronger with each passing second. And each one was a beat of agony to him. There was something unmistakably real that resounded with the noise. For the first time, Kaidan found himself doubting his own beliefs. The footage in front of him could easily pass as some crazy science fiction scenario, but what if this farfetched idea was really the truth?

Then Shepard had really died, and Cerberus had really brought her back, and he had been too wrapped in his own pain to see what was in front of him.

He stood up abruptly, letting the footage continue to roll, and found himself in his kitchen. He opened a cabinet and pulled out the mostly full bottle of whiskey. Pouring himself a few fingers worth, he quickly slammed it back - as the Australian voice continued to drone on in the background.

He let the liquid burn its trail of fire into his stomach before pouring himself another shot. He stared at it for several long minutes, listening to the file as it continued to play forward.

_"My god, Miranda, I think she's waking up."_

Kaidan hurried back to his terminal. The sound of panicked breathing could be heard in the background. Miranda and someone he had not seen before were moving about a table where a covered body lay.

_"Damn it, Wilson. She's not ready yet. Give her the sedative. Shepard, don't try to move. Just lie still. Try to stay calm."_

Miranda seemed to waver between clipped annoyance and genuine concern as she spoke, showing her emotional conflict over her subject. Part of him wanted to now thank her for her role in bringing back his Shepard. A darker part of him, however, wanted to put her through the same torment her actions were obviously inflicting on Shepard during her resurrection.

The man Wilson began reciting stats, none of which sounded positive, while Miranda moved to help administer the sedative. The form on the table struggled, the cloth covering it slipping to the ground, revealing a very scarred Shepard. There were sections of skin that were more red than pink where they had been pieced back together. Whatever was going on, she was clearly in pain.

Kaidan could not take any more. He rushed over to the terminal and violently yanked out the OSDs before hurling them across the room. They clattered against the wall as he stalked back to his room and changed into his Alliance-issued BDUs. His nerves might be shot, and he had no idea what he could possibly say to her right now, but he could not stay here with what he had just seen.

The twenty minutes that it took to travel from his apartment back to the medical facility where Shepard was still at were excruciatingly slow. It was technically "night time" at the Citadel, so the halls had been dimmed to help simulate the actual hour. As he neared her door, he wished he had finished that second drink of whiskey. He was not the kind to rely on the liquid courage, but his nerves were still a jumbled mess.

He paused a moment outside her door, doing his best to steady himself before knocking on the door. A few seconds passed, and there was no response. He knocked again and waited, trying to listen for any kind of sounds on the other side. After there was still no response, he went ahead and opened the door.

Inside, the room was dark and quiet. His eyes took a few moments to adjust to the abrupt change from even the dim hallway light. The bed in the room was empty, but it showed signs that it had been slept in. The black duffel that Chambers had brought her was still lying in one of the chairs in the room, which at least meant that Shepard had to still be here.

He glanced briefly into the darkened bathroom and caught a brief glimpse of movement along the floor. Frowning slightly, he stepped into the room, flipping the light switch as he did. Sitting huddled on the floor in the corner was Shepard, her head buried in her hands.

Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Kaidan walked quietly over to her, kneeling beside her. He reached forward and gently removed the hands from her face. For a moment, she struggled against the movement before silently relenting and turning to look at him.

Her face was streaked with tears, falling silently from those blue eyes of hers. Blue eyes marked with a lost, haunted look that he had no hope of being able to fathom. He felt his heart beat painfully in his chest as he stared into her eyes. What could he possibly say right now?

Not knowing what else to do, Kaidan pulled Shepard into his arms, wrapping them around her tightly. She was still for several seconds before finally settling into the embrace, laying her head against his chest. She never sobbed; she never spoke. She just let him hold her silently.

Joker was wrong; Kaidan hadn't broken Shepard. Something else entirely had.


	12. Chapter 11: Honesty

**Chapter 11: Honesty**

_His heartbeat had begun to slow, his breath becoming steadier, as she lay pressed against him. Their bodies were still slick with sweat, flush from the exertion of their earlier activities. She knew that she needed to rest – they both did – but time seemed far too precious to waste on such things. There was so much more she wanted from this night._

_Sliding a hand down his muscled stomach, she felt him tremble slightly from the touch. A tired laugh escaped his lips. "You're insatiable."_

" _Just for you," she grinned. She languished in the feel of his body as her hand continued to trail further down, until she was finally able to wrap her hand around him. He breathed in sharply as his body reacted almost immediately to her touch, holding the same breath as she eagerly let her fingers begin to work. The motions were slow, deliberate, as they dared his control._

_With a low growl, he rolled her onto her back suddenly, pinning her arms above her head; his arousal pressed hard against her leg. For a moment, he held her there, staring at her with those dark eyes full of desire. Her pulse quickened with anticipation, causing her to squirm beneath him. He grinned this time. "Not yet."_

_He leaned down, capturing her mouth with his briefly, as he released his hold on her arms. A small whine escaped from her as he pulled his mouth away. "Tease…"_

" _Tease?" he slipped one hand between her legs. He buried his face in her neck, his breath hot against her skin, as she arched into his touch. A familiar tingle of energy sparked between them as he slid a finger in her, ripping a moan with his name from her lips._

Shepard opened her eyes, afraid to move as her vision adjusted to the dim lighting. The nondescript walls of the medical facility slowly blurred back into reality. She was reminded that Alenko, the  _Normandy_ , and that night were nothing but a memory – a memory that still elicited an intense craving to have him.

Sitting up in the bed, she ran a hand through her sleep-tousled blonde hair, trying to shake the lingering effects of that particular dream. It was bad enough that just being around him yesterday had stirred something awake in her, but to have him penetrating her dreams, especially after how he had left…

"Morning."

She turned at the sound of Kaidan's voice, one brow quirked as she locked eyes with him. He was sitting in a chair beside the bed, dressed in his BDUs. He looked like he had not slept a bit, and even when he should look terrible, it just made him more intense. Just how long had he been there?

He leaned forward in the chair, a hand absently rubbing at the back of his neck. "How are you feeling?"

She continued to look at him questioningly, not trusting herself to speak. After that last dream, she was struggling to restrain from acting on some of her baser impulses, such as crawling into his lap right now and testing the structural integrity of that chair. At the very least, she wanted to strip him of all those pesky clothes and feel his bare flesh underneath her hands.

"Shepard? Are you okay?" Concern touched his face.

She felt a flash of heat creep across her cheeks, and she quickly looked away. "Yeah, I'm fine."

No, she could not let herself get distracted with those thoughts again. It happened twice yesterday, and both times he rejected her. A third rejection would make her lose it completely. Commander Shepard had to remain in control. She needed to ignore those thoughts and focus on anything else.

She heard him as he moved from the chair to the edge of the bed. "Stop that," he gently took her right hand in his. She had not noticed until he did so that she had been absently scratching at a bandage on the hand, covering the spot where she had ripped her IV out the night before.

_She gasped for air, a cold sweat covering her body._

_The dark room was unfamiliar, and something was plugged into her hand._

_She yanked the object free, ignoring the flood of pain as she did so._

_Her heart raced as she stumbled out of the bed. Where was she? What had happened?_

She jerked her hand away from his as the night before came flooding back to her – the disorientation, the panic. And the realization that no one was there, just like every time she woke to that nightmare.

"Alexis-"

"Why are you here?" An accusatory note caught in her voice, the cold flare of anger settling in her stomach.

Kaidan regarded her quietly, gazing at her with those dark eyes. His voice was calm, steady, like she was used to. "I needed to make sure you were okay.".

"What? Did you suddenly regret those things you said to me?"

"And what if I did?" He never blinked, the tone of his voice, serious.

She half laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. "Right, you regretted everything you said, and rushed right back on over here to apologize."

His eyes flashed dark for a moment, too quick for Shepard to catch whatever emotion was behind it. "Something like that."

"Why the sudden change?"

"Because I don't like knowing that I've hurt you." There was a raw earnestness to his voice, and damn it, if it did not make her heart flutter slightly.

"I don't know that an apology can fix things now, Kaidan." She did nothing to hide the pain evident in her voice.

He reached forward, brushing some of her blonde hair from her face, his fingers lightly caressing her skin. "I know." His hand faltered slightly as she found herself leaning into his touch. "Just tell me. How can I fix this?"

 _Believe me. Love me. Do anything to make me forget about everything._  There were many little things that came to mind that she could say, but she found herself hesitating; wondering just how long this might last. In the end, she pulled away. "I don't know, Kaidan. I don't know if you can."

He let his hand fall back down to his side, gazing at her still with remorseful eyes. Silence stretched awkwardly between them, neither of them seeming able to speak. Finally, Kaidan looked away as he took a step back. "You should be starving. I'm going to go see if I can find you something to eat."

A wave of panic struck her as she watched him move towards the door. She wanted to be honest, no matter how hard it was. "Kaidan, you don't…"

"Shepard, unless you want another IV that you can rip out, you need to try to eat. I'll be back."

She felt her heart pounding in her chest as he left. He had come back last night, after all those horrible things that had been said. She did not know why, but he had.

_Gentle hands. Concerned whiskey eyes. That warm, crushing embrace. The strong, steady beat of his heart._

She couldn't recall anything more. She must have fallen back asleep, something that she was quite positive she had not done since waking up at the Lazarus station. She was not sure if she should be grateful for his presence last night or angry over all the times that he obviously could have helped but was absent.

"You realize Grunt could have snuck into this hospital, Shepard. The security's terrible."

"Garrus, what are you doing here?" she looked up to see the turian entering the room. Close on his heels was Tali. Both were outfitted as if they expected a fire fight.

"We were concerned, Shepard. You never returned to the ship yesterday." The filter on Tali's face mask glowed as she spoke. It made it impossible to not catch the eye of someone.

"Look, it's nothing." Shepard wasn't sure what either Garrus or Tali expected to do here. They really were wasting their time, and she just needed them to leave.

"Nothing usually results in the patient being sent home, not checked into the hospital. Unless nothing has some hidden human meaning ..."

"They just wanted to run some additional tests, Tali."

"What to prove you're not a traitor? Or delusional? Alenko still not believing you?" There was no hiding the anger in Garrus's voice.

"It's not like that, Garrus."

"Oh, then why was he here?"

"We saw him down the hall when we were on our way here," Tali quickly interjected.

"You should have let me shoot him." This was directed at Tali.

"Yes, let's shoot the Commander in the middle of an Alliance facility. That's a brilliant idea, Garrus."

Garrus shrugged slightly, his mandibles flaring. "It wouldn't be fatal, just a scratch."

Tali glared at him, or at least that's what it looked like from the set of her shoulders and tilt of her head, "What, no head butting?"

"Alright, that's enough! From both of you." She looked pointedly at each. "Why the hell did you come here armed to the teeth? This is an Alliance facility, planning on laying siege?"

"You've spent the past few months pissing off a whole lot of people, Shepard. Figured some of them might be angry enough to try something stupid."

"This isn't Omega, Garrus."

"And the Alliance wasn't able to protect Kahoku."

Feeling anger flare in her core, Shepard narrowed her eyes at the turian currently glaring at her. No matter how right Garrus might be, she did not need him to remind her just how dangerous Cerberus was. "I know what I'm doing here, Garrus."

"Right, Commander Shepard knows what she's doing. Would you care to let the rest of us in on it?"

"Questioning my orders, Vakarian?" Her voice was cold, quiet.

"Yes."

"Get out."

"No."

"Keelah, Shepard. Quit shutting us out. Cerberus isn't here to listen!"

"Damn it, Tali. It's not like that. I'm not shutting you out," Shepard argued as she was forced to shift her focus from the angry turian to the angry quarian.

"Don't lie to me, Shepard. You've kept me, Garrus, everyone, at arm's length since I arrived on the  _Normandy_." The hurt and anger in Tali's voice was almost palpable.

"Since Horizon," Garrus added quietly, his voice rumbling.

Shepard cut her eyes briefly to him, trying to ignore the surge of biotic energy she felt. "Look, I don't expect you to understand, but I am doing what I have to do."

"Make us understand, Shepard. Talk to us." Even with a shielded face mask, Shepard felt the intense plea that must have filled the quarian's eyes.

"And tell you what? That I have no idea what we're going to do? That I'm terrified? That some days I don't know if I can do this? The fighting, the struggling. Every day. I can't do my job if I'm letting myself, my crew, know my every doubt. We'd all be dead if I did."

"You can't know that, Shepard."

"That doesn't matter. It's not a risk I'm willing to take. There are already far too many stupid, pointless deaths."

"You can't save everyone, protect everyone, all the time."

"I can sure as hell try."

"Or die trying, Shepard? Is becoming a martyr going to bring back any of those colonists?"

"Didn't I tell you to get out, Garrus?"

"I told you once already that I'm not a good turian."

"The let me rephrase for you," Shepard got up from the bed, squaring off against the turian and feeling the twist of dark energy in her gut. "Get out before I throw you out."

"You're no steadier on your feet than the Great Biotic God."

Her biotics flared brightly at his mocking words, the growing hum of static in her ears. She kept her eyes locked on the turian's, watching as he flicked his Omni-tool to life.  _Bastard is readying an Overload_ , she thought to herself as she clenched her fists tighter.

Tali cursed softly and moved to stand between Shepard and Garrus. She tilted her head as she looked between the two, in that same glaring manner as before. "Would the both of you stop acting like children? This is not helping."

Garrus flexed his mandibles, his Omni-tool still waiting patiently. "Only planning to finish whatever Shepard decides to start."

"Try me, Archangel."

Tali sighed, breathing another quarian curse quietly. "Shepard," she turned her attention to the woman still brightly surrounded by biotic energy. "There wasn't anything you could have done to save those colonists."

"Tali-" Shepard let her gaze shift over to the quarian, for a brief second.

"No, Shepard. We were all there. None of us knew what the Collectors did with those pods. None of us reacted quick enough to save those people. We were lucky to get the crew out alive."

"Don't you think I know that?" The biotic energy suddenly died around her. She raked both hands through her blonde hair. "But that doesn't make it any better, any easier. Those people were eaten, burnt alive in those pods."

"It's just not hard on you. Even I still remember her muffled screams, Shepard. Especially when it's quiet. I wish you would have talked to me about it," Tali said gently.

"Besides Shepard, we've gone to hell together. You have to trust us to do more than just guard your six on the battlefield."

"No one is going to think less of you for having to deal with these issues."

"And if they do, I can shoot them for you."

Shepard had to smile at the flippant remark from Garrus. "Only if you beat me to it."

"I do have better aim."

"But you can't duck worth a damn." She grinned a bit more at Garrus while Tali did her best to contain her laughter.

"So, Shepard, would you tell us what's really going on here?" Tali asked after clearing her throat.

She shrugged slightly. "The Alliance wanted to run some tests… after I overtaxed my biotics."

"Overtaxed? I thought this was to be some kind of physical."

"I may have accidentally thrown a door at the doctor."

"Shepard!" Tali exclaimed with a bit of shock while Garrus laughed.

"I said it was an accident. She didn't deserve it. Much," Shepard smirked a bit at the mental image.

"Much?"

"She made some disparaging comments about the crew. Say what you want about me. Just don't bad mouth my crew," she sat back down on the edge of the bed.

Tali sat down beside her. "I've seen you handle far more than a door before though, and it's never been a problem."

"Normally, it wouldn't have been a problem. Just with all that's been on my mind, everything has been off. I got a bit dizzy and sick, and it kind of precipitated the rest."

"Is there anything that we can get you?"

Shepard shook her head. "No, Kaidan actually went to try and find me something to eat. He should be back any time."

"How are things with Commander Alenko?" Tali brooked the question

Shepard shrugged again, her mind drifting back to that painful yet endearing talk from earlier. "Complicated."

Garrus snorted slightly from his position by the door but remained otherwise quiet. Tali shifted a bit uncomfortably on the bed. "I suppose that's good…"

Tali let her sentence trail off as the door to the room began to slide open. Garrus's hand immediately twitched towards the handle of his assault rifle as he stood a bit more attentively at the side of the door.

"I'm sorry that took so long, Shepard. Everything was closed, and I don't think this place has a working vending machine." Kaidan entered the room, a couple of apples in hand. He froze in step as he saw Tali on the bed next to Shepard. "Tali."

"Commander." Her voice was frosty as she spoke.

He flicked his eyes briefly to Garrus, standing next to him, his hand still half poised to draw his rifle. "Vakarian."

"Alenko."

Kaidan let his eye shift back to Shepard, not moving a muscle. "Someone care to tell me what's going?"


	13. Chapter 12: Paranoia

**Chapter 12: Paranoia**

Kaidan had not been certain what to expect when he returned to Shepard's room. Given the extent of her mood swings between yesterday and today, he half thought that – despite what little progress it appeared he may have made – she would be itching for another fight. Evidently, a fight was what Garrus and Tali had in mind since they were fully armed, and the turian still appeared ready to draw his assault rifle. Frosty tones and drawn weapons never equated to a friendly greeting in any culture he was certain.

"Garrus and Tali had just stopped by to see how I was doing." Shepard scrunched her nose, just slightly, as she spoke. He remembered that little tell from the talks they used to sneak in the middle of the night, when they were supposed to be sleeping. It was one of her tells that she didn't approve.

"Expecting resistance?" His marine instincts kicked in as he kept a wary gaze on the turian.

"We did not know precisely where the Commander was. We thought it best to be prepared." Tali's voice was still as frosty as before.

Kaidan let the fact that Shepard neglected to inform part of her crew of where she was pass for the moment. It was a bit more pressing to diffuse the current situation. "Well, you've obviously found her, and you can see that she's safe here. No one's trying to harm her, especially not here."

"Right, because they won't just let anyone walk into this facility," Garrus finally let his arm drop back down to his side, but his posture indicated that he was ready to handle any imminent threat.

"Garrus…"

The turian glowered slightly as he turned his attention to Shepard, his mandibles flaring as he spoke. "Don't Garrus me, Shepard. None of the so-called security here even did a second glance at me or Tali."

"It's the middle of the damn night." Shepard crossed her arms under her breasts.

Kaidan cursed silently to himself, understanding the turian's point immediately. "And what difference does that make?"

Shepard glared at both of them. "It-"

"It, what?" Kaidan cut her off. "It doesn't. And you damn well know it. Security is supposed to question everyone who comes in here. Especially those fully, and visibly, armed."

"At least you still have some of your senses left," Garrus muttered.

"Garrus is just being paranoid," Shepard tried to dismissively wave off the turian, acid in her voice.

"I'd rather be paranoid than you turn up dead. Or worse."

It was hard to miss the scathing look that she gave Garrus after that statement, but it seemed to do the trick and hush her up for the moment. Kaidan thanked whatever higher powers might be for that small miracle right now. He turned his attention to the turian. "Right, Garrus, so just how bad is it?"

Garrus shrugged slightly looking back to Kaidan. "Nothing more than usual as far as we know."

Kaidan nodded in acknowledgement. "I'll talk to someone and get a security detail posted here."

"I don't need a babysitter."

Garrus flicked his eyes briefly to the agitated woman sitting on the bed before ignoring her. "That won't be necessary, Commander.  _We_ can handle it from here."

Kaidan felt a flicker of jealousy in his stomach at the turian's words. It was hard not to miss the slighted intent behind the  _we_. He was referring to him and Tali, who had been standing by Shepard for the past months. He tried not to let any of his own frustration show. "And if the doctors don't let her go today?"

"We have more than enough people on the Normandy to cover the posting as long as it's needed."

"Right, I'll at least talk to the captain in charge here. Get things smoothed away for you and your people." Kaidan did not particularly like that he was being excluded, but it was not his place to argue at the moment.

"It's a shame that we ended up having to blow our way off the Purgatory. That Warden could have given you tips on how to keep me locked away nice and safe." Shepard's anger was palpable in the room, and everyone felt it.

"Shepard…" Tali placed a hand on the other woman's arm.

"What? You guys are acting like I am completely incapable of defending myself."

"You're not a hundred percent, Shepard," Garrus shook his head mandibles flaring slightly.

"I dare them to try something anyways."

Kaidan held in the sigh of frustration that was building. Sometimes it was difficult to deal with Shepard's constant stubbornness. "I'm sure the big bad Spectre is more than capable of handling things herself; however, it wouldn't hurt for her to have people looking out for her while she regains her strength." He stepped forward and held out one of the apples that he had brought back with him. "So why don't you try to see if you can eat, and Garrus and I will step outside and make sure everything else is handled."

Shepard stared at him for a moment; those blue eyes of hers alight with questions, suspicion. She then took the apple from him and just shook her head. "Fine."

Kaidan felt the corners of his mouth begin to quirk slightly, and he did his best to suppress the smile. He might have managed a slight victory with her just now, but he knew it would not take much to push her back over the edge. He took a few steps back and set the other apple on the counter. "Here's another if you're feeling up for something more."

Kaidan then turned to Garrus, inclining his head towards the door to the room. The turian took the silent cue and headed out into the dimly lit hallway. Kaidan gave a brief glance to Shepard and Tali, still sitting quietly on the bed, before leaving the room as well.

"You handled that situation well."

Kaidan shrugged slightly. "She's not completely unreasonable."

"No, but it normally takes quite a bit more yelling. At least from her."

"I've noticed that."

"Yet… she's not nearly as tough as she lets on."

Kaidan recalled finding her mere hours before, sitting in the dark, alone, haunted, broken. "No, she isn't."

An uncomfortable silence filled the hallway as neither Kaidan nor Garrus spoke further, both quietly regarding the other. "How has she really been doing?"

Garrus shrugged that time. "Shepard's not really one for sharing."

"You must still have an opinion?"

"She's been  _really_ angry."

"That's obvious."

Garrus shook his head slightly. "No, this is more than yelling and throwing doors at doctors. "

"Really?" Kaidan crossed his arms across his chest.

"She threw a man out a high rise window on Illium."

The world seemed to freeze for a moment at Garrus's words. "She did what?"

"He was an Eclipse merc, a dead man regardless. But, it was extreme, especially for her," Garrus paused, and he wondered if it was for dramatic effect, or if that concept was more a human thing. "Of course, that was after."

"After what?"

"Horizon. You."

Kaidan swallowed the hard lump that had formed in his throat, finding little comfort from the turian's words. He had regretted the words he said that day, even before Joker brought him those OSDs. Hearing that he was responsible for pushing Shepard to a very precarious edge was difficult. "Horizon… that wasn't…"

"Save it, Alenko. I'm not getting involved."

"Then why bring it up?"

Garrus sighed. "Because that day changed her. Something turned off. There was only Commander Shepard and her mission."

That sounded all too familiar. Kaidan had done a similar thing after Shepard had died. "It's easier that way. To bury everything and just lose yourself in your work."

"Except now that the Collectors have been dealt with…"

"Everything she buried is bleeding out," Kaidan finished for the turian, his voice hoarse.

"Exactly."

Another uncomfortable silence stretched between them. Kaidan's mind raced with the information he was learning, trying to piece together everything with his own observations from earlier. Meanwhile, Garrus took the opportunity during the silence to study both entrances leading to Shepard's room.

"This place will be difficult to defend.".

"Generally, we don't expect medical facilities to be potential warzones."

"Still problematic, but I'll make it work." Garrus glanced to one end of the hallway. "Of course it would be easier if we could move her back to the ship."

"You'll be able to once Doctor Chakwas and the others clear her."

Garrus flicked his gaze back to Kaidan. "Just what exactly is wrong?"

"I'm not entirely sure." Even if Kaidan knew more about medicine, he wasn't sure what was wrong. It seemed partly physical, and a whole lot of psychological. "Something is off with her biotics. It's just hard to tell why."

"The way she explained it, she just overtaxed her biotics."

"If you overtax them, you'll be exhausted, both physically and mentally. That doesn't explain why she can't eat. She should have been starving if it was simply just a case of overtaxing herself. Instead, she couldn't keep down a simple high cal energy drink. Something more is going on with her. Just…" Kaidan sighed.

"What?"

 _She won't open up and talk about it. Not with me anyways_ , he silently replied. "Nothing. It just could be something that Cerberus did to her, or it could be something psychological."

"Either would be feasible. We certainly saw our share of horrors thanks to the Collectors."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow slightly in question. "Care to elaborate?"

"Well, for one, they were melting down the humans that they harvested from your colonies. And then using the remains to build a new Reaper."

Kaidan stared blankly at the turian, feeling like he must have misheard what was just said. "Reaper? Wait,  _melting_?"

"Yeah, it wasn't a pleasant thing to watch."

 _Melted?_  Kaidan felt a cold knot grow in his stomach. That meant all the colonists taken were gone. Tens of thousands of people were stolen and turned into some sick construction material for a Reaper. And Shepard and her team had seen this? His mind firmly clamped down before it could begin to even imagine what that must have been like. Instead, it reminded him of all the people on Horizon alone that had vanished. The simple people that had left Alliance space looking for a peaceful and quiet place to raise their families, their children…

The dim lights in the hallway abruptly cut off, casting both Kaidan and Garrus into darkness. The soft whirr of emergency generators started up, and faint track lighting along the floor sprung to life, tracing the outline of the walls, but offering no real help in seeing down the dark hall. Kaidan could hear Garrus shifting about nearby, the soft sound of a rifle adjusting automatically echoing softly.

"Looks like I might not have been so paranoid after all."


	14. Chapter 13: Blinded

**Chapter 13: Blinded**

Shepard yanked the sports bra and shirt on over her head quickly after the lights went out in the bathroom. A minute earlier she had excused herself to change clothes, feeling the need to do something other than sit around in some room, and she had not wanted to walk around the halls in the equivalent of her sleepwear. It had been a glimmer of an idea that struck her after she had ravenously wolfed down the apple Kaidan had brought her. Anything to keep her mind too preoccupied to think of  _anything_  else.

She frowned as the soft hum of emergency generators started. Part of her really hoped that this was just another of the anomalies plaguing the ward since Sovereign's attack two years ago because the alternative would suggest that Garrus had been correct in his earlier assessment.

She pulled on the rest of her clothes and did her best to straighten them out before heading back to the other room.

The soft orange light from Tali's Omnitool generated the only visibility in the room. The quarian was poised by the door, shotgun in one hand.

"What's the status?" Shepard headed over to the bed where her boots lay.

Tali shook her head, staying quiet as she did so. The door in front of her creaked slightly as it shook in its frame, accompanied with the familiar sensation of Kaidan's biotics. At least, Shepard picked up on that sensation. Tali quickly took a few steps back, bringing her shotgun about so it was leveled at the door.

"It's just Kaidan," Shepard tried to put Tali at ease as the door shifted again, opening the door enough to fit an arm through.

Tali seemed to relax some at the words, but she left her shotgun at the ready, as they both watched a set of hands place themselves against the edge of the open door and roughly shove it back, a tinge of a blue biotic corona mingling with the motion. The door careened back into the wall, and Kaidan walked inside.

"No power?" Shepard heard the humor in her voice, and was a bit surprised to hear it. She shouldn't be so amused over the predicament.

"Not on this floor at least."

Shepard grunted slightly as she shoved her feet into the boots. "Where's Garrus?"

"He's trying to gain access into one of the other rooms in case there's trouble."

"Tali," Shepard began tightening the laces on her boots.

"I'm on it, Shepard." The quarian left the room, taking the soft light of her 'Tool with her.

The room remained engulfed in darkness for several long moments before Kaidan switched on his own 'Tool. "What are you doing, Shepard?"

"Putting on my boots."

"Shepard…"

"Look, if someone is actually here to have attack, kidnap or kill me, I'm not about to sit in this room all cooped up." She finished with the laces on her boots.

"You are not in any condition to handle a fight."

"Which is probably why they chose to do it right now."

"So your plan is to go out there, with no weapons or armor, and play straight into their hands?" Kaidan wasn't playing poker anymore. He sounded more than a bit annoyed with her reasoning.

"I've still got my biotics." One of Kaidan's eyebrows flew up as he gave her a stern look of disapproval at her suggestion. "I'll be fine, Kaidan."

There was a hiss of breath that escaped him, and she was surprised that he didn't shove a finger in his face when he finally spoke. "No biotics."

She felt the hair on the back of her neck bristle at his words. She got to her feet, stalking to the door. She paused just long enough to dare him with her eyes. "Fortunately, I don't answer to Alliance authority, Commander."

Kaidan was close on her heels, with the light from his 'Tool growing more pronounced as he tried to intercept her. However, she was able to get to the open door before he was able to close the distance between them. Across the hall, Tali's 'Tool illuminated the closed door where the quarian knelt, concentrating on hacking it open. Behind her was the darkened silhouette of Garrus, his sniper rifle at the ready. He was poised with his back against the far wall and was splitting his attention between the two ends of the hallway. Shepard peered around the corner of the doorframe, her eyes squinting at the darkness as the eye implants Cerberus gave her tried to adjust to the faint light that filled the hall from the emergency lights.

She felt Kaidan next to her then as they shared the space of the open doorway, the heat from his body even more pronounced since he placed a hand on her arm. She felt his fingers begin to tighten slightly, and she quickly jerked her arm away from his touch. The last thing she needed was for Kaidan to try and force her back into the room, which she was fairly certain was the current thought on his mind. She gestured in the opposite direction from where she was looking, keeping her voice low. "Do me a favor and keep your eyes that way."

Shepard assumed that Kaidan, begrudgingly, did as she asked because she could still feel his warm presence directly behind her, but he refrained from commenting, and she refused to check. She had to trust him to have her six, so she kept her eyes affixed directly ahead, trying to locate any movement in the shadowy hall.

Several moments of dead silence passed, all eyes preoccupied with their various tasks of lookout or hacking. Finally, Tali broke the silence. "Garrus…"

Shepard could vaguely make out Tali moving away from the door in her peripheral vision, followed shortly by the turian wordlessly stepping back up to the door with his sniper rifle lowered. Several shadows seemed to flicker in the distance as she heard a grunt from Garrus followed by the sound of groaning metal. Shepard squinted to try and make out if the flickering shadows were just a byproduct of what little light was available or an indication of people moving into position down the hall.

Sliding one foot back slightly, she nudged Kaidan's foot with hers to grab his attention, wanting a second set of eyes to check down the hall since it sounded like Garrus was still working on forcing the other door open. A warm hand pressed itself against her hip as she felt Kaidan shift behind her so that he could peer down her side of the hall. She quietly ducked back into the room to keep from obscuring his view.

The soft light of his 'Tool showed the grim, determined look on his face as he peered down the hall. A small frown touched his lips briefly. "Garrus, move."

Shepard glanced over to the door where the turian had managed to just get an opening large enough to slip an arm through. Without question, Garrus quickly moved out of the way just as Kaidan flicked a silent mnemonic towards the door, forcing it to crumble along its track and reveal the dark interior of the room.

A small object suddenly flew down the hall, hovering between the two pairs at opposite sides of the hall. Across the way, Garrus cursed as he grabbed Tali and dove into the other room. Shepard immediately moved further down the interior wall of the room as Kaidan darted back in, his  _barrier_  flaring to life as the object exploded in a brilliant flash of light and sound.

Even at this distance, Shepard's ears rang slightly from the flash bang. Ignoring it, she inched back towards the doorway that was now filled with lingering smoke. Kaidan stood on the other side of the door frame,  _barrier_ still glowing, his eyes searching for movement. She paused a moment at the edge, expecting to have enemy forces advancing on them; however, instead of the faint sounds of booted feet against the ground, she heard the report of a rifle across the way, becoming more pronounced as the ringing subsided.

Without any further hesitation, she slipped into the smoke filled doorway just as she saw Tali's combat drone spring to life, illuminating the hall with its light. The drone streaked quickly down the hall to Shepard's right, highlighting five figures. Two were ducking in and out of cover between the ends of the hall, while the other three were advancing slowly. Behind them lay a body sprawled across the ground, victim to Garrus's opening salvo.

The men immediately focused their attention on the orb, opening fire on the drone as it advanced. Using the distraction, Shepard prepped her  _reave_  mnemonic and quickly let it fly to the lone guy advancing on the left. She felt the surge of biotic energy leave her as the man staggered backward, a slight wave of vertigo washing over her at the same time.

Doing her best to focus on the men and not herself, she watched as the man still struggling against the effects of her  _reave_  suddenly fell as another report from Garrus's rifle sounded down the hall. Tali's drone still advanced, beginning to fade from the combined assault of weapons from the remaining men. As it finally winked out of existence, the two men still on the left went flying back as Shepard felt a surge of biotics rush by her and slam into the men.

"How long?" Shepard called out to Tali.

"Thirty seconds!"

A third report from the rifle sounded, followed by the distant sound of another body flopping to the ground. Several seconds passed before Garrus grunted with a curse. "They're on the move."

"Reinforcements?" She prayed that they might get a bit of luck on their side. Murphy couldn't always win.

Garrus was always the pragmatist though. "Not yet, but I'm sure they are on the way."

"They'll probably try to flank us from both ends now." Shepard surmised the same as Kaidan, but he was the unfortunate one to jinx them by saying it aloud.

"Which means we can't stay here. Let's move." Shepard turned to Kaidan, "What's the best way out of this place?"

He shook his head. "With the power off on this floor, that leaves just the stairs on either end of the building. Which we have to assume have people at each."

"Oh good, wouldn't want us to miss out on any fun," Shepard managed to get a slight smirk from Kaidan. "Alright, Alenko, take us to the closest one."


	15. Chapter 14: Charge

**Chapter 14: Charge**

"The nearest stairs should be down the hall, to the left, and down at the end," Kaidan stood behind her in the open doorway to her room, indicating the direction the intruders had appeared from.

She gave him a slight nod and looked over to Tali and Garrus huddled across the hall in the other room. "Status?"

"Negative contacts."

"Or they're jamming our radar." The lilt in the quarian's voice almost made Shepard chuckle. Tali was picking up bad habits from, well probably everyone on the ship at this point.

Shepard shrugged her shoulders. "Doesn't matter. Be ready for anything." She slipped out of the cover of the door frame, starting down the hall. Her right hand trailed along the wall for a few feet as she walked until she finally let it drop to her side.

Kaidan fell in step behind her, watching her with silent concern as she moved. He knew that she should not be using her biotics, but his Shepard was stubborn as always and had done just that right away. And from the looks of things, she was feeling it. Of course, he was not quite sure what she had done. He had only caught a glimpse of it towards the end, and that had involved the intruder also taking a sniper shot to the head. It was something that he could ask about later. Anger swelled within him at that thought. He shouldn't have to be worrying about having this discussion with Shepard at all. She should be resting back in her room, not fighting these goons.

Behind him, he could hear the armored footsteps that indicated Tali and Garrus were on the move as well. Kaidan would feel better if one of them had taken point, but again, he doubted that Shepard would concede to that, and this was not the time to argue with her.

Shepard stopped briefly ahead of him, grabbing a wayward assault rifle from one of the dead men. She took a few seconds to familiarize herself with it before calling back to him. "Grab a weapon."

He headed off to one of the bodies on the right and took one of the extra assault rifles lying on the ground. It seemed that these guys only came with the big guns. Kaidan would have preferred to find a pistol, but he could at least toss the rifle to Shepard if she needed it later and rely on his biotics. Hopefully the toys would preoccupy her enough so she would stop using hers in the interim.

As they approached the end of the hall, Garrus yelled from the back. "We've got company on our six!" The sound of his rifle firing echoed through the hall.

Shepard stopped in her tracks and moved to turn to face the enemies that had approached. Kaidan quickly stepped forward to the corner of the left side of the hall, grabbing Shepard as he moved past her and dragging her with him. "What are you doing?"

"Keeping your unarmored ass alive," His voice growled in his throat. What the hell did she think he was doing? He shoved the anger aside as he peered around the corner.

Tali had sent another combat drone racing down the hall, giving away the locations of all six men coming down the hall. The quarian cursed as she back pedaled as fast as she could around the same corner that Kaidan and Shepard were using as cover. Garrus took another shot with his rifle, felling another opponent before sprinting for cover behind the opposite corner.

The men advancing down the hall opened fire against the bright drone flying towards them, snuffing the hallway back into the dim emergency lights that hid them as the drone flickered into oblivion. They were advancing at a slow pace though from the looks of things, so it stood to reason that they could make a break for the stairs that should be at the end of the hall. He tapped Shepard on the elbow. "We need to make a run for the stairs. Now."

She must have come to a similar assessment, or was trusting his judgment on the battlefront. "Garrus!"

From across the hall, the turian glanced briefly in their direction. "I'm right behind you, Commander!" Garrus was moving, but his rifle scope was still leveled off towards the hall filled with intruders.

"We'll cover you both."

Kaidan did not have to wait for Shepard to take the cue from her squad mates. At Tali's words that they were covered, Shepard took off sprinting down the hall. He quickly took off after her, finding it slightly difficult to keep up. Then again, she had always able to run faster than him. He was just surprised how quick she was on her feet after spending most of the day unable to stand without wavering. God, he hoped she didn't push herself too far on the adrenaline rush.

Shepard came skidding to a halt at the end of the hall as it split off into another right and left passage. Kaidan stopped next to her, breathing a bit heavily as the hall had been much longer than he thought. "Fuck, I thought you said the stairs were at the end of the hall to the left."

"I said they should be there. I'm not intimately familiar with the entire floor layout of this place."

Shepard cursed again, drowned out by the loud blast of a shotgun from behind them. "Any guesses? "

He glanced down the very dim halls that led off in opposite directions. "Right?" he suggested at the same time that Tali came backpedaling into them, cursing to herself.

"They've gotten more reinforcements. Garrus counted eight now headed in our direction." The light from her 'Tool lit the area even more, and her hand flew over the controls for a brief moment.

"Glad to know they sent a small army to fetch me," Shepard half laughed. "Can you figure out which way is to the stairs, Tali?"

Tali punched a few buttons on her 'Tool. "I cannot locate any stairs, but there does appear to be two targets to the right. They appear to be stationary."

"Let's go pay them a visit. Let Garrus know which way we're headed," Shepard nodded to Tali before hoisting up her assault rifle and heading down the right passage, never glancing back. She seemed to expect Kaidan to fall in line, just as he would have done two years ago. Not that he had much of a choice if he wanted to help keep her from getting hurt during this "escape".

Without any further hesitation, Kaidan hurried down the hall after her, his eyes straining still in the dim light. Apart from the faint trail of light on either side of the floor marking the wall, Kaidan could barely make out anything in the hall, least of all two stationary targets. Too bad Tali had not managed to give them something more to work with here.

Suddenly Shepard stopped just in front of him, holding an arm out silently to keep him from moving beyond her. She simply shook her head and held up two fingers before pointing off in the darkness. He squinted a bit as he tried to make out exactly what she was pointing out. Except that all he could see was the same shadowy darkness that enveloped most of the hall. Shepard did not seem deterred by any of it. Rifle in hand, she aimed into the darkness, pulling the trigger.

And nothing happened.

"What the hell?" She slapped the side of the rifle. She then raised it back up and tried firing it again.

Still nothing.

"Shep-" He tried to get her attention just before she spiked the rifle to the ground.

"I don't have fucking time for this," she growled, and then in a sudden, violent rush of biotics, she was gone. It was like a torrent of dark energy had enveloped her as it raced by, dragging her with it.

 _What in the hell just happened?_ Kaidan had never really seen, or felt, anything like this before, but dread sprang to life in the pit of his stomach. It was like his worst nightmares coming to life. Did someone just do a snatch and grab on her? Did she do that herself?  _What if she's gone and I've lost her again_? He shoved away the thoughts and took off in the direction the wave of energy appeared to be travelling.

After another short sprint down the hall, Kaidan was greeted by the sounds of a struggle, specifically the sound of a rifle being bludgeoned against armor. It was accompanied by a male's voice cursing. "Damn it, man, just fucking shoot her or something. I don't care what the boss said!"

"They said they wanted the bitch alive. I'm not about to risk the boss' fury for your sorry ass." It was clearly a second, unapologetic male.

A torrent of biotic energy surged in Kaidan at the man's words as his still-lingering anger flared brighter. Without a second thought, he flicked a  _throw_  in the direction of the second voice, the sickening crunch of a body slamming into a wall reverberating through the hall. Ignoring it, Kaidan hurried towards the sound of the struggle, his eyes finally adjusting to the dim light to see two silhouetted figures. One was poised above the other, a rifle brandished as a makeshift club.

"Who the fuck are you working for?"

"Go to hell," spat the man on the floor.

"Been there, jackass." The immediate area around her flickering to life with a blue biotic corona as she hefted the rifle in her hand to strike him once more.

 _Damn it, she's going to burn herself out with the way she's bleeding biotics right now._  Frowning, Kaidan darted forward, grabbing Shepard about the waist and dragging her away from the man on the floor before the rifle could connect.

"Let go of me!" She dropped the rifle in her hands as Kaidan spun her away. The glare from her biotics winked out as she struggled against his arms, her nails biting into his skin as she tried to forcefully pry his arms away. He tightened his grip around her as he moved her towards one of the walls, holding her close. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, her skin covered with a thin sheen of sweat, and like before, he was fairly certain that the tremble in her muscles was not solely due to anger.

"I'll take care of it." He gritted his teeth, another cold gnash of his own anger settling in his stomach, as he set her down against the wall. Turning back , he saw the man that Shepard had pinned was scrambling to his feet, likely to bolt.

 _Not so fast_ , Kaidan thought to himself as he made a twisting motion with one hand, the man freezing in place with  _stasis_. He then stalked over to the man, who was half standing with a look of bewilderment on his face, and grabbed the front of his armor before dropping the field.

The guy fell limp in Kaidan's grasp, an audible gasp of surprise coming from him. With an angry grunt, Kaidan lifted the man, armor and all to his feet. "Who sent you?"

The man attempted to wrest himself out of Kaidan's grip, jerking himself to the side to try and break free. Having had enough, Kaidan shifted his weight and slammed the man into the nearest wall, laying his arm into the man's throat as he held him there. "I'm not going to ask you again. Who sent you?"

With a strangled choke, the man squeaked out, "Cerberus."


	16. Chapter 15: Forward Momentum

**Chapter 15: Forward Momentum**

_Cerberus. I should have fucking known. I'm going to track down that bastard Illusive Man and put a bullet in him. Or twelve. Or feed him his own spine._  Alexis raked her hands through her hair as she leaned against the wall, fighting the urge to scream out in frustration. In the distance, she could hear the muffled voice of Kaidan as he questioned one of the soldiers. Only, the actual words were being drowned out by the sound of her own heart thundering in her chest.

 _Focus. Just focus past this_ , she silently ordered herself as the world threatened to spin violently on her.  _Keep it together. Get the fuck out of here. Get back to your ship. Then you can fall apart_. She pressed her hands to her face and took a deep breath before wiping away the sweat that slicked her skin. And something a bit more viscous. She glanced down to her hands and saw the dark stain of color on her fingers.

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._  She wiped her hands vigorously against her pants and then brought a hand back up to her face, gingerly touching her cheeks, lips, nose.  _Nose bleed_.  _Damn it._  She tucked her head down as she applied firm pressure to her nose, wanting to make sure that the bleeding had stopped.

Shepard.

She didn't feel blood pooling up under the pressure. That was a good sign at least.

_Shepard!_

A warm hand cupped her cheek, causing her to jump slightly.  _Pay attention!_  She forced herself to look up and found herself staring into Kaidan's warm brown eyes. Eyes full of concern and worry. His voice finally came through much clearer. "Are you okay, Shepard?"

She managed a meek nod as she let her hand fall away from her face.  _Wait, where was the guy he was questioning?_   _Fuck, I'm going to get one of us killed if I can't focus._  She swallowed a hard lump in her throat and made herself think beyond her own disorientation. "Did he know a way out?"

Alexis saw Kaidan's brow furrow more as he frowned, and she felt a strong arm wrap supportively around her waist. "Yes." His voice was clipped as he spoke, and he wasted no time in moving her towards the exit.

"I'm fine to walk, Kaidan."

The arm tightened further around her waist as he ignored her, continuing to walk down to a door a few dozen feet away. A darkened stairwell became visible as he moved them towards the stairs. He gave a quick glance behind them, settling her against one of the walls. "It sounds like the fight is moving away from this direction. Hopefully, Tali and Garrus will be able to ditch them and make it here soon," Kaidan said, sounding distant.

She braced her hands firmly against the cool wall and fought against the world tilting sensation racing through her head. "Kaidan..."

His hands were suddenly back on her, cupping her face as he held her head steady. His thumbs gently traced her upper lip, a deep frown crossing his face. Kaidan locked eyes with her after a few moments of study. "No more biotics, Shepard."

She found herself nodding dumbly to his order, somehow having lost her own voice as she registered the gravely serious tone his own voice conveyed. Even in the dark stairwell, his gaze was as intense as ever, and she couldn't bring herself to look away.  _I should have listened to him the first time. But damn, I can't just sit back and let everyone else fight for me._

Suddenly, Kaidan's hands left her face, and he placed himself between her and the open doorway as the sound of armored feet rushing in their direction became prevalent. There was a soft snap in the air as she felt Kaidan draw up dark energy, readying himself for whomever came barreling through that door. Two darkened figures silhouetted the doorway, and a wash of cerulean light flew through the air, connecting with the first one and slamming the two figures into one another.

"Bosh'tet!" Tali groaned, as she disentangled herself from the turian she was slammed into. Garrus seemed to have expected something of the sort, and had managed to keep his feet underneath him. Or maybe Kaidan somehow saw them and redirected some of the biotics at the last second. Hell, she had no idea right now.

Kaidan left his hand outstretched as he watched the two aliens. "Sorry, I didn't want any more of Cerberus' goons to catch us off guard."

"Cerberus?" Garrus helped steady Tali who brushed his hands angrily aside.

Kaidan shook his head. "Not now. Let's get out of here, and then we'll explain." He then stepped back and wrapped an arm around Shepard's waist as he steered her towards the stairs.

Despite needing the assistance from Kaidan to keep from tumbling down the stairs, Shepard and the small group managed to fly down the stairs in a relatively short time without any further entanglements from Cerberus troops. After a few levels, the lights in the stairwell were still powered, making the trip less dangerous at least. At the bottom of the stairs, Alexis tried to step away from Kaidan as she looked to Garrus and Tali, but his arm tightened around her waist, locking her in place beside him.

"We need to keep moving," Kaidan looked to Garrus as the turian headed towards the door.

"We'll get her back to the  _Normandy_. She'll be safe there."

"They'll be expecting that. You'll play right into their hands. We need to take her someplace else."

"Like?"

"Anderson's office."

"That'll be just as dangerous. They've already compromised this facility."

"Then what the hell do you suggest, Vakarian?" Kaidan's arm was still tight around Shepard's waist. It only served to intensify the flicker of energy she felt surge in the man next to her. She half expected him to start flaring openly.

"Get her out of Alliance territory. Somewhere public. Lots of people."

"Fine, I'll get her some place public and try to mix into the crowd."

"We're coming with you!" Tali strode forward, a drone floating alongside her again, its projection blinking.

"Yes, because then we'll blend in with a crowd so easily..."

"You're-"

Shepard shook her head, stopping the quarian's speech. "No, Kaidan's right. We'll have an easier time trying to disappear into a crowd without you. Your armor alone will make you stand out in the crowd."

Garrus flared his mandibles. "I don't like it, but you're right. We can trail behind you in other alleys. I still know my fair share."

"No, you and Tali need to get back to the Normandy. Make them think we're heading that way. And get Miranda and the others together. I want a head count of everyone who's supposed to still be here."

"Where will you go?" Tali's shoulders dropped slightly. The girl didn't like the plan either.

"I'll contact you and let you know, once I know it's safe." The warmth of Kaidan's body, as he held Shepard to him, made her feel safe for the moment. "But we really need to get moving before any of the rest of them in this building figure out we've not left yet."

"Let's get moving then," Shepard looked to Kaidan. He nodded and hesitated a moment before finally releasing his hold on her waist. She was grateful that her world was no longer trying to tip her over, even if her head still throbbed. It would have been hard to navigate through the crowd with Kaidan having to support her every move. She missed that safe, enveloping warmth though.

Kaidan grabbed hold of her right hand and led her out of the building. The avenue leading up to the Alliance hospital was rather deserted, but Shepard did not know if that was due to the hour of the day, or if it was because the Cerberus cell had cleared the street before their attack on the hospital. Neither she nor Kaidan wanted to stick around to find out, and they began a hurried pace away from the hospital. Behind her, she could hear the armored feet of Tali and Garrus. The pair would need to travel the same direction for awhile, which was probably good since anyone looking out the windows would have a clear view of the group. It would give the illusion that the group was headed out together.

They travelled in silence for several minutes before finally getting to an intersection where some minimal traffic was beginning to cluster. Kaidan split off to the left, seeming to have some idea of where he was going. Shepard glanced behind her to see Garrus leading Tali off in a different direction. She really did not like forcing them to separate from her in this manner.  _They'll be fine,_ she reminded herself silently.  _Garrus will call ahead, and Jacob should be able to muster Jack or Miranda to help pinch any attacks between Garrus and Tali and the Normandy._

She continued to mentally check off little things in her head as Kaidan wove her through the slight congestion in the corridors. She had little idea of where they were. She had never been to this part of the Citadel before, and honestly, most of where she went, she had been shuttled either by the Alliance or some Taxi.  _I need to study up on the various wards a bit more. I'd hate to ever get stuck here right now without such a convenient guide._

She did her best to make a mental note of the path they were taking, but the fog from earlier was threatening to resettle back on her brain. If it had not been for the vice grip Kaidan had on her hand, she was worried that she'd fall behind at this point.  _Certainly not a good thing when you're trying to flee from would be captors_...

Alexis came to a sudden stop, bumping into Kaidan's back as she did so. They had reached a rather crowded intersection, filled with dozens of people of various races milling about. It looked like one of the markets, and despite the early hour, it was fairly busy. "Some areas never sleep," Kaidan murmured to her as he began leading her through the crowd. Within moments, they had begun to navigate through the crowds, the area reminding her distinctly of the market district by  _Flux_. If anyone was still following them, they would certainly have a difficult time continuing their pursuit.

She was not sure how long they moved through the crowded ward section. Kaidan kept the pace fast, but natural as to blend in with the motion of the crowd. And Alexis was still completely lost. At some point, he ducked into a small hall that led to an elevator, and the next thing she knew they were travelling in a quiet, more residential looking area. She glanced about, trying to look for anything familiar. "Where are we going?"

"My place."

"Is that-"

"You need to rest, and I doubt they'd have an army staked out here, Shepard. I can handle one or two if there are any," Kaidan came to a stop in front of a nondescript door. He pulled Shepard so that her back was to the door, glancing to both sides of the "street". He then punched in a code and the door slid open.

The apartment itself was utilitarian from what she could see once they entered, the lights automatically turning on as soon as they passed the threshold. Simple furniture adorned the main room: a couch, a table, a desk with computer terminal, and two chairs - all in various shades of grey. The walls were bare, and no pictures or knick-knacks were to be found. It oddly reminded her of the condo that had been gifted to her from some of the patrons on Elysium. She had never wanted it, but it had seemed rude to turn down the gesture. Being often assigned to vessels for long tours, she never really lived there - and she was positive that the dust had probably taken control of the apartment after two plus years of being gone. Kaidan, on the other hand, had been supposedly living here for several months at least.

Shepard furrowed her brow slightly.  _Hell, I've got more decor in my cabin on the Normandy than he does here._  She could not help but glance around the room more, looking for anything that showed actual signs of living as Kaidan headed over to the small kitchenette area where he immediately began rummaging through some cupboards. Everything was just so neat, clean. Except for that desk terminal, which now that she looked at it again, appeared to have had something ripped from it.

"Kaidan-"

"You should sit down," he walked back over to her, a handful of power bars in one hand and a towel in the other. Before Shepard could protest, Kaidan tossed the power bars onto the table and forced her over to the couch. "Sit."

With a bit of a sigh, she sat down on the couch. "Happy?"

A half-smile touched his face. "Eat those. I'm going to try and get in touch with Anderson."

"I need to get in touch with my ship too." She wanted to argue that she needed to do that over him contacting Anderson, but Kaidan knelt in front of her before she could muster that energy, towel still in hand. He hesitated a moment before bringing the towel to her face. It was warm and slightly damp.

He inclined his head at the terminal while he gently applied pressure to her nose. She was pretty sure it had stopped bleeding some time back, but he must be making sure that it was done. "You should be able to get a signal out on that. Just be careful. And vague."

Shepard rolled her eyes slightly. "And here I was going to suggest telling my team to announce to any Cerberus lackies exactly where I was and the combination to the door."

"I was more implying we don't know who might be trying to intercept messages to the  _Normandy_ ," Kaidan paused a moment. "I should actually be able to take care of that."

She reached up and placed her hand on his, "Take care of that for me. I'll take care of this."

Kaidan lingered for a long moment, his hand resting underneath her own, before he eventually extricated his own hand, giving her the towel in the process. "Right, just give me a minute."

Shepard dabbed at her nose with the towel, noticing dark red blood staining the cloth, as he moved to the desk. At least that meant it was mostly dry and not still bleeding. She busied herself with cleaning up her face as best she could without a mirror.

"Ok, you should be able to get a signal out that won't be immediately traceable, but keep it short."

Shepard managed a slight smile of her own as she set the towel down on the table. "Thanks."

He smiled himself again. "Let me go get that call into Anderson."

He disappeared further into the apartment, and Shepard stood back up from the couch, grabbing a power bar as she walked over to the terminal station. As she began punching in the code to contact the Normandy over the securest link she knew, she could not help but run her fingers along the edge of the terminal, where the damaged section was. It was the OSD port.  _That's odd..._  She pushed the questions surfacing to her mind away as she reminded herself what she was supposed to be doing. She finished entering the code, and a few moments passed before she finally heard the soft click of the channel connecting.

"This is the  _Normandy_ ," Joker's voice called out, a hint of wariness to it. Kaidan must have done a good job masking the signature if Joker was wary.

 _"_ Joker, it's Shepard."

"Commander?" Joker's voice immediately sounded relaxed. "Why in hell are you calling from a undisclosed connection?"

"Long story. I can't get into it right now. Have Garrus and Tali returned to the ship yet?" She skipped the details. It would probably drive the pilot crazy, but Kaidan did tell her to keep it short. Joker would just have to wait for the full story.

"Uh, no, Commander, they were with  _you_  last they reported."  _Fuck, that means Garrus didn't call ahead. Nothing you can do about it now though,_ she reminded herself.

"Keep an eye out for them. They should be returning soon. Patch me through to Miranda," Shepard ordered. "Oh, and Joker, you don't need to pretend to cut the channel this time. I need you to know what's going on too."

"Yes, ma'am."

A few more seconds passed, and Shepard opened the wrapping around the power bar she held in one hand. "Shepard?"

"Miranda, we've got a problem."

"What is it?"

"Cerberus made an attempt to retrieve me tonight." Miranda cursed softly. "We were able to extract ourselves from the situation, but I was forced to split up from Tali and Garrus. They should be returning to the  _Normandy_  soon. I don't know what kind of forces may be setup between that Ward and the ship though. I need you to muster whomever you can rouse from the crew and make sure they get back ok."

"Of course, Shepard. I believe everyone but Grunt is aboard the ship right now."

"Good, split the teams if you need to cover more ground."

"Are you alright, Commander? Where are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm somewhere safe right now. I'll contact the ship again later." She heard the resigned confirmation back from Miranda before Shepard cut the feed. She wasn't sure how long "short" was supposed to be. No need in risking it. This place would not be an ideal place to have to fend off a sudden Cerberus strike squad. Taking a bite of the food in her hand, her stomach growled angrily at her, objecting to its decidedly empty status.

She practically devoured the first power bar and went back to the table to get a second. After the past few days, her body could probably stand the caloric overload. As she unwrapped that bar and began to eat it at a slower pace, her eyes were drawn to a small lump on the ground near a wall that she had missed previously.  _OSDs. Huh. Guess the damage must be recent. What could get under Alenko's skin so much to do that?_

A cold sense of dread washed over her. It had to be something about her. Kaidan was far too level-headed and collected, except when dealing with her. That much had been evident from Horizon and the events of the past day. The burning question was... what exactly about her was it?


	17. Chapter 16: Chasms

**Chapter 16: Chasms**

Kaidan sat on the edge of his bed. Anderson had been none too happy when he had told him the news of what happened down at the Alliance medical facility. The Councilor had told Kaidan that he would address this directly with Hackett, and he would have two patrols sweep out and make sure that the area around his apartment was secure before stationing one of them as guard outside. Kaidan and Shepard would just have to sit tight until they were notified it was safe to move her.

 _Which would probably be several hours from now._  Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He had no idea how he was going to handle being alone in his apartment with Shepard for the next several hours. Sure, they had been making some small progress towards amends, but there was still that chasm of space between them. But he didn't want to upset that small progress by pushing too fast with her.

 _I'll just make sure she's ok, and see if I can convince her to get some sleep._ Standing up, Kaidan left his room and walked back to the main room of the apartment. Shepard was standing in the middle of the room, a thoughtful look on her face while she ate one of the power bars he left out for her. "Did you get through to the  _Normandy_?"

She turned slightly to look at him, nodding her head slightly. "Garrus and Tali hadn't made it back yet though."

"I'm sure they're fine."

Shepard nodded again, blonde hair falling across her face with the movement. She held up one of the bars. "These things are terrible, you know,."

Kaidan laughed at that. At least some things were as he remembered. Shepard hated those things even back on the SR1. "They don't exactly have taste in mind when they make them."

Shepard scrunched her nose, in mock disgust.  _Damn, if that wasn't adorable._  "I know. I wouldn't bother with them either if I wasn't starving."

"I'm not sure what I have here in lines of actual groceries, but I can try to put something together for you, if you'd rather eat that?"

"You mean you have actual food and not this pre-processed," she paused a moment, "whatever you want to pass this off for."

"I'll take that as a yes. Sit down while I get something together." Heading into the kitchenette area, he began rifling through his counters, glancing over at Shepard every now and then. He had caught her watching him with that still thoughtful expression on her face before she finally sat down on the couch without a word. He wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing though. Probably best to just leave it alone and not question it. Besides, he had much more pressing things to focus on, such as the lack of anything decent for making food. It looked like the best he was going to be able to muster together was a couple of sandwiches, which was still a huge mark up from the power bars.

Working quickly, he managed to crank out four sandwiches, figuring that should be enough for Shepard. And if she wasn't that hungry, he could always eat them himself. He walked over to the couch and set the plate of food on the table. "It's not much, but it seems I've not got much more than that at the moment."

Shepard shook her head. "No, those are fine. Sorry, if I seem ungrateful for the power bars. Just seems like ages since I had any kind of real food." She reached for one of the sandwiches.

Kaidan sat down in one of the chairs near the couch. "Did... you want to talk about that?"

She shrugged slightly as she took a bite from her sandwich, her attention focused on the food in her hands. "Nothing really to talk about." For several long minutes, they sat in awkward silence as she ate her way through two of the sandwiches on the plate.

"Shepard-" It took every ounce of control to not rake his hands through his hair, as he tried to ignore his building agitation towards her and her constant insistence that nothing was wrong.

"Alenko, look, I'm just having trouble reconciling some of the things that I've seen. Some of the things that I've done. But, it's just a mental block thing. I'm-"

Kaidan crossed his arms across his chest, leaning back in the chair as he felt his jaw tighten slightly. He had no patience to deal with her downplaying and deflecting the issue right now. "You're  _fine_. I get it. You get hospitalized overnight because your body is basically starving. I find you crying in the bathroom in the  _dark_. I hear you're even shoving mercs out windows now! But the great Commander Shepard is  _fine_." The words left his mouth before he even had a chance to consider what he was saying.

And he regretted them the instant he saw the angry, hurtful look flash in Shepard's blue eyes. "No, Kaidan, everything's _not fine_ ," she spat at him, her voice husky with emotion. "I've been living in a state of hell for months because everything's  _not fine._  Don't you dare sit back and try to fucking guess at what possibly has been going on for me when you couldn't be bothered to stick around."

"Then actually use words and talk about it, Alexis! Stop throwing up barriers against everyone and acting like nothing matters."

"What the hell do you want me to say, Kaidan? That ever since they woke me up on that table that it's been a struggle? Because it has. I woke up and found that my life stopped dead  _two years ago_  while the rest of the galaxy trudged forward. But there wasn't any time for me to stop and try and get my bearings. No, the galaxy needed Commander Fucking Shepard to save the day. Again. To hell with anything else. So exactly when was I supposed to find time to feel sorry for myself?" Her voice was bitter. She practically leaped to her feet as she stood up, her blue eyes still glaring at him.

"No one is asking you to feel sorry for yourself, but what good has come of you bottling it all up inside?" He didn't flinch from her gaze. "You are barely keeping yourself together." He got to his own feet and moved to stand in front of her.

"I'll survive." There was a defiant, almost proud look as she kept her eyes locked to his.

"No, you won't."

The words hung in the air heavily between them, and he felt a faint surge of dark energy exude from her briefly. Then it abruptly died. "You know what? Fuck off, Alenko."

He repressed the sigh of exasperation building in his throat as she turned from him, heading towards his front door. He moved to cut her off, to stand in her way.. "What are you doing?"

"Going back to  _my ship_." Icy daggers filled her eyes.

He grabbed her gently by the shoulders, feeling her body stiffen underneath his touch. He immediately let go of her, and she took a step backwards. The apparent evidence of distrust towards him hurt, a lot, but he kept his face neutral as he spoke. "Anderson's men haven't cleared the area yet. You can't leave."

A long list of colorful profanities sprouted from her lips that caused Kaidan to raise both eyebrows in a bit of shock. He hadn't quite heard some of these before. He let her continue for a minute before finally interrupting her. "I know you're not happy about it, but maybe I can do something to make it more comfortable for you while you're here." She cast a withering look up at him and crossed her arms underneath her breasts, in a rather obvious and expectant fashion. "Just come with me."

Kaidan motioned for her to move back into the main room of his apartment. She gave a bit of an indignant huff and dropped her arms back down to her sides as she stomped back into the main room.  _If it wasn't Shepard, I'd leave her to sulk..._  Kaidan reminded himself as he followed her into the room. He paused briefly to grasp her by the wrist as he went to move by her. She again immediately tried to pull herself away from his touch, but he just tightened his grip. It hurt to know she wanted to be far from him, but he did what he could to hide his pain. It wasn't about him. "Trust me."

The resistance to his attempt to move her with him relented, and he led her back to his bedroom. Once there, he let go of her wrist, and she immediately resumed her hostile pose of arms crossed underneath her breasts. "What are you getting at, Alenko?"

He raised one eyebrow at her. "What do you mean?"

"You said trust you. So I'm going to assume that you didn't drag me back here - to your  _bedroom_  - for the obvious. Because, I'm really not in the mood."

Kaidan felt his face flush slightly, and he scowled just a bit in her direction. He had absolutely no intention of trying to take things physically to another level. Especially given how upset she was currently. He stalked over to a wall where a door slid open, exposing the bathroom. "I thought you might like a chance to freshen up. Take a shower.  _Alone_."

An ashamed look touched her face briefly, and her body postured relaxed. "Oh..."

Kaidan raked a hand through his hair.  _Damn, why must everything be so difficult with her._ "Just take all the time you need. I'll see if I can't find you something a bit cleaner to wear for now." He left the room before she could respond.  _Not that I have any woman's clothing in this place._

Once the door to the room shut, he paused in the small hallway, half holding his breath as he listened for any kind of movement from Shepard. Maybe a minute passed before he finally heard the soft sound of running water from the bathroom. At least some things were still the same. He could recall more than once where she had retreated to the showers to help calm her agitated nerves during the hunt for Saren.  _But the fact that she actually thought I might be trying to lure her into my bed_...

He angrily shoved the thought from his mind. He did not want to dwell on that. It was safe to say that they were both aware of the huge issues between them. Maybe once she calmed down they'd be able to try and talk them over. Until then, he had to find something for her to wear.


	18. Chapter 17: Schism

**Chapter 17: Schism**

Shepard wasn't sure how long she let the hot water of the shower pour over her. She really wanted to just forget about everything right now. Hell, she wasn't sure why she got so mad at Kaidan for what he said. He had been trying to help, but it just set something off in her. Like maybe he didn't have the right to say those things to her, despite the part of her that wanted to lean on him and have him find a way to make everything better.

When she finally stepped out of the shower, she wrapped one of the towels around herself and stepped back into the bedroom, half expecting to see Kaidan sitting on the bed waiting for her. But he wasn't there. Instead, a small stack of clothes sat on the bed. He must have left them there for her while she was still in the shower. And left her alone.

God, she was still embarrassed by suggesting that he somehow had lewd intentions for bringing her back into the room. She knew he would never do anything of the sort. She had just been so mad that she was saying spiteful things intentionally.  _Because my emotional maturity seems to have regressed to that of a teenager_.  _Good job, there, Lexie._  With a sigh, she went over to the bed and picked up the clothes that Kaidan had left for her, which consisted of a t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were likely a few sizes too big.

She quickly changed into the clothes, having to roll the waist of the shorts up a few times in order to get them to rest on her hips without sliding off. The t-shirt was large on her smaller frame, but she had a sneaking suspicion it was too small for Kaidan now. But it certainly smelled like him. She had caught the scent as she slid it on over her head, and it brought that same heady, intoxicating reaction she always remembered.  _I wonder when this shirt was from. I'll have to ask him._

Fuck. That meant she would have to talk to him. And she had been a complete ass to him right before he left.  _I can be a big girl. Go apologize and try to talk to him like an adult._  She sighed a bit and used the towel to dry her hair as best she could. She then looked around and found a clothes bin and tossed the wet towel into it before heading back out to the main room of Kaidan's apartment. There she found him laying on the couch, one arm thrown over his eyes.

She hesitated, worrying that he might be trying to sleep, when she saw him shift slightly and glance in her direction. Both his eyebrows raised slightly as he looked at her, and she became keenly aware of just how little she wore as she stood there in the room. "Uh, thanks for finding me some clothes."

Kaidan swung his legs about and sat back up, his whiskey colored eyes fixated on her. "You're welcome."

 _Words, Lexie. Use them_ , she mentally reminded herself. She swallowed a bit, her mouth feeling rather dry suddenly. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I'm not altogether comfortable talking about all those things yet." She fought the urge to bite her bottom lip as she looked to him. He just continued to watch her quietly from across the room. "I'm just trying to stay focused on moving forward. As much as possible."

She felt like she would wither under his intense gaze, nothing being said between them. His voice was tired when he spoke. "I can understand that."

"So, like I said, I just wanted to apologize for that..." She let the statement just kind of trail off, nervously tucking her wet hair behind her ears.

He patted the space next to him on the couch, silently inviting her to sit down next to him. She shuffled over to him and sat down, keeping a small gap between them. Hell, she had no idea what to say next. Things were just terribly awkward.

Kaidan must have felt the same thing, as he reached over and took one of her hands gingerly. Like he was almost afraid she would flinch.  _Because you basically did every time he touched you earlier_. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "Do you at least feel some better?"

She shrugged slightly. "The shower helped."

He managed a half-smile. "Thought it might."

"I'm sorry I insinuated that you might have other motives."

"Do you plan on apologizing for everything?" That small smile was still on his lips, and part of her wanted to reach out, press her lips to it.

Instead, she managed a small smile of her own. "If it means I get to avoid actual talking, sure."

"We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

Shepard glanced down at his hand that still held on to hers, feeling the warmth of his flesh. "Well, we don't have to talk about me. I mean, I'm sure I'm not the only one with things weighing down on their mind."

"What did you have in mind?"

She glanced over to the terminal that still bore battle scars from some unknown incident. "Well, for one, what was on those OSDs that got to you so much?" He sighed a bit, shifting uncomfortably, and let go of her hand so he could rub at the back of his neck. His actions alone confirmed what she already suspected. Before Kaidan could respond, she asked another question. "Who sent them? Hackett? Anderson?"

He stood up abruptly, refusing to look at her. The words left his throat, like he had to choke them out. "Joker."

 _Why the fuck is Joker giving OSDs about me to Kaidan?_  She frowned and watched Kaidan as he stood there, still uncertain about something.  _What does Joker have access to that could possibly be upsetting... Oh, god... not that._  Her eyes widened a bit, and she felt her throat tighten. Her legs took control of her body, forcing her back to her feet. "What made you change your mind?"

"What?"

"Earlier tonight. You came back to the medical facility. Why?" She already knew the answer now. The cold knot of dread in her stomach demanded to hear it come from his mouth though.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck again. "Why does it matter?"

"Because I want to know why you suddenly started to believe what I was saying was the truth when hours before I was a liar." She felt the prickling sensation of tears behind her eyes, but she willed them to stay back. She was not about to cry. Not here. Not now.

She waited for him to say something, say anything, but for the longest time, he kept his eyes averted to the ground. Finally, he looked to her, pain in his own eyes. "Why does it matter what changed my mind? Isn't it just important that I believe you?"

God, that fucking confirmed it. He had seen the Lazarus files. He had seen things that she refused to even acknowledge, that she didn't want to know. Things that made her somehow less than whole because who could truly be whole if they've been rebuilt piece by piece and treated like an object? She felt bile at the back of her throat, and she did her best to swallow it back down. "It matters," she managed to choke out on her own, still willing the tears to remain locked back behind their dams. "Because I needed someone to believe me for just once."

Kaidan looked at her half-confused. "You have a whole squad of people who believe in you, Shepard."

"It is  _not_  the same. I needed someone to believe me. To look at me and see me. Not Shepard.  _Me."_  Her voice cracked on the last word, and she felt a single tear roll down her cheek. But she refused to acknowledge it as she stared at Kaidan.

"But that's who you are." He took a step toward her.

 _Why, just why, could he not see that no one else was ever really able to see past the Commander, except him?_  Regardless if she was the one who kept most of them out, he still had broken through before. She shook her head, feeling a terrible ache in her heart. "No, that's not who I am. It might be part of who I am, but it's not  _me_. But no one, no one has cared what I wanted, what I needed. It was just Commander Shepard is needed. Shepard can help us. Not me. Not Alexis," she paused briefly, clearing the lump from her throat. "But fuck the galaxy. I've been an afterthought to everyone. Just once, I needed someone to see me for me and not the hero. To want me. Not Shepard."

Kaidan had crossed the rest of the way to her before she had finished saying the words, pulling her into his arms. His lips were upon hers, gently. She felt his hands cup her face, his thumbs caressing her cheeks. Her traitorous body responded, hungrily returning the kiss. A soft whimper escaped from her as he broke the kiss, his lips retreating to just out of her reach. He leaned his forehead gently against hers. "I've always wanted you, Alexis," he murmured softly to her. She could feel the warmth of his breath brush over her lips.

Her heart fluttered slightly at the words. God, how she wanted to lose herself in him right now. To let the moment wash away the painful truths that had been aired, but her heart still ached with the earlier pain. And the truths of what he'd seen, what he knew, was between them now. How could he possibly look at her now and feel the same way? She pulled away from him. " I can't... I can't do this."

Kaidan didn't move to pull her back or stop her. He just looked at her with that familiar intensity and unmasked pain in his eyes. It nearly broke her resolve to not cry. Looking quickly to the ground, she prayed for the tears to stay put as she took a few steps away from Kaidan. "I think... I'd like to be alone."

"Take my room." His voice was gruff with emotion.

Shepard didn't try to protest against his suggestion. She merely nodded slightly and made a fast retreat. Once in the bedroom, she went straight over to the bed and crawled on to it. All she wanted to do was sleep, and forget about everything. No more thoughts. No more pain. A few tears rolled free from her eyes, trickling down the side of her face.  _No more Kaidan,_ she thought to herself as she buried her face in a pillow that smelled like him.


	19. Chapter 18: Honor

**Chapter 18: Honor**

Shepard wasn't sure how long she slept. She remembered her mind keeping her up for some time, running over all the things that had happened. Refusing to let her rest for the longest time, and then the dark embrace of sleep overtook her. And, for once, she couldn't recall any nightmares when she woke. Awaiting for her too when she woke was her clothes from the night before, neatly folded and clean. She didn't recall giving them to Kaidan to wash, so he must have gathered them up some point after she had fallen asleep.

Her heart ached at the thought of him. Much of her unrest had to do with him, and trying to sort what was there between them. She still wasn't sure what she should do, not really. Everything with him just seemed to be complicated, conflicting. But she forced herself to put the thoughts aside as she changed back into her own clothes. She also briefly contacted the  _Normandy_  from the private terminal in Kaidan's bedroom, long enough to share information with Miranda. It seemed one of her more trustworthy sources in Cerberus had some information about the Shadow Broker. It could prove useful in tracking down the Illusive Man, and maybe helping her old friend Liara. Miranda was also able to confirm that the Alliance had managed to lock down both the ward where the attack had taken place and the ward where Kaidan's apartment was located.

Having taken care of everything she could think of, she headed back out into the main room. The lovely smell of coffee was the first thing that greeted her as she neared the kitchenette. Her feet immediately led her over to the pot, where she found an empty cup already pulled down and waiting for her. As she poured herself a cup of the strong black liquid, she heard from behind her, "Morning."

"Good morning, Kaidan."

"Sleep well?"

"I slept." She turned around, taking a slow sip of the coffee. Kaidan was currently sitting on the couch, watching her. He still looked like he hadn't slept much, if at all, and fresh stubble was visible on his face. "You?"

He shrugged a little. "I managed an hour or so before Anderson called."

She took another sip of the coffee. "What did he have to say?"

"He let me know that the Alliance troops secured the area. They encountered a couple of operatives that hadn't fled, but for the most part, there was no resistance. And none that followed us back here." She nodded slightly before he continued. "So we can head over to  _Normandy_  whenever you're ready."

She finished off the rest of the coffee in her cup, ignoring the slight scalding sensation that ran down her throat. "That won't be necessary. Miranda and Garrus are already on their way." She placed the empty cup down in the sink.

It was Kaidan's turn to nod. "Alright." He stood up from the couch. "I guess I'll leave you alone for when they get here."

"You don't want to talk?"  _Where in the hell did that come from?_  There was no way of taking back the words now, so she just watched him quietly.

"I think we managed to prove last night that we're not capable yet of talking." The rough tone of his voice wasn't just from the lack of sleep. He looked back to her, the neutral guarded expression back on his face.

Her stomach flopped nervously. "I don't want... the things I said last night to be the last things we've said to one another."

His expression didn't flinch, as he stood there looking at her. "You sound like this is goodbye."

"And?" She searched for any kind of break in his own armor. "What if it is?"

Kaidan turned slightly from facing her, and she saw his jaw set slightly. Like he was steeling himself for what was to come. "Just say whatever it is that you have to say." He sounded rather defeated.

"Kaidan, I don't want to make this any more difficult than it already is." She walked over towards him.

He scoffed slightly with a shake of his head. "I don't think that's possible. You should probably just go." With that said, Kaidan began to walk back towards his bedroom, away from Shepard. He was walking away from her, again.

Her heart thudded painfully against her chest. Her mouth was suddenly rather dry, but she managed to force out words. "Damn it, Kaidan. Don't leave like this again. Please. If you don't want to talk, then fine, but please just hear me out."

He stopped in his tracks at the corner, bracing one hand against the wall, his back still to her. But at least he stopped. That was something, right?

"I love you, but you were right," she called out after him. His shoulders sagged slightly as what she said must have registered in his mind, and he slowly turned around. His handsome face looked as pained and stunned as she felt when he let slip the "loved" word back on Horizon. But she wasn't about to take it back. She meant it. "Back when you said I wasn't the same person I used to be. You were right."

She took a tentative step towards him. "But I want to be that person. I'm just not sure how to get back to that. Not with where I am now." She swallowed a hard lump in her throat as she looked into those whiskey eyes of his. "And I'm not sure I can do it with you."

"What are you saying, Shepard?" His voice was strained.

"I'm saying that in order for me to figure out how to get back there, I need to do it on my own. Without having to worry about us."

He scowled, "Then don't worry about 'us,' Shepard. There is no 'us.'" He turned to walk to his bedroom again.

"So that's it then? Just proclaim that there's nothing left and walk away? Go back to pretending you have any kind of life here?"

Over his shoulder, he retorted, "It's all I have left, Shepard." He turned and crossed back to her, "When you left, when you...died, everything I'd come to count on fell apart. The best team I'd ever been a part of fractured into shards of itself with everyone splitting, unable to bear to be near anything that reminded them of you. They left me, too. That year, that year of hell we spent chasing Saren through the Traverse was the best year of my life. Being with you was the best time of my life, even if half the galaxy was trying to kill us at every step. And now you're telling me you don't want to 'worry about us?' I'm sorry, Shepard, but no. Don't worry about 'us,' at all. Maybe there never was an 'us.'"

His words stung. Hell, he probably meant for it. It wasn't like she was being the most eloquent person in the world here, even if she was trying to be honest. She felt the increasingly too familiar sting of tears in her eyes, but this time she wasn't going to let them loose. For him though. Not for herself. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Kaidan. I do. Since they woke me up, you've been the one constant that I've thought about. I'd give anything for there to be an 'us', but after this past day... you deserve more than what I can be right now."

He looked away from her, "Whatever, Shepard." His eyes returned to her face, hard as agate. "I'm through waiting around for you. You won't talk to me, you won't let me in... Exactly how much more of this am I supposed to take?"

"Don't you get it," her voice cracked. "I'm not asking you to wait. I'm not asking you to take any more. I'm far too screwed up right now, and I don't know when or if I'll ever straighten myself out. And I know if I were to let you help... I'd destroy-"

"Why don't you let me be the judge of what I can and can't handle, Lex? I'm a grown man: I'm thirty five years old. I think I've figured out a few things by now."

"Kaidan, would you please let me finish?" she pleaded with him. "I'd destroy us. Whatever there still was, I would lean on it, and abuse it. And one day, there would be nothing left but bitterness and hate. And I can't do that."

"And you think I'd let you do that?" His voice dropped into its lower registers, causing a small shiver down her spine and heat to rush to her face. "Do you think I'd stand by and not help you? I'm not your subordinate anymore, Shepard. Hell, I outrank you, technically. You need to remember this and stop treating me like I'm some sort of …. lackey."

"Damn it, Alenko, I'm trying to do the right thing here."

"The right thing for you, or the right thing for me?"

"You," she managed to say, her voice barely above a whisper now. "I just want what's best for you."

"Don't you think I should decide that, Shepard?" His voice was gentle. "I don't need to be protected. I'm a big boy."

"Stop being all logical when I'm trying to be noble!" She wanted to be annoyed with him, but she felt like she was failing horribly at it. Her heart was racing far too much to be annoyed with him anyways.

He had to chuckle, "I will, if you stop being cute when I'm angry at you."

She couldn't help but smile at the sound of his laughter. It had dissolved what was left of her resolve to somehow leave him that way out he always left for himself. But, she was still leaving. And soon. Fuck. "So, uh, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Shepard. I still don't know where 'here' is."

She sighed softly. "I don't know either. I was hoping you'd have that answer."

"Sorry, Shepard. If you want mercs dead, I'm your man. Figuring out us, well, I can't help you."

"Hey, now, I think you have that backwards. You're the brains, and I'm the brawn. I'm much better at getting rid of mercs than you."

He took her hands in his. "What do you want us to be?"

Shepard shook her head as she glanced down at their hands. "I don't know. All I know is that when all of this is said and done, I want there to be a chance for us."

He shook his head, "When all this is over? When all what is over?"

"Cerberus. The Reapers."

He raised an eyebrow, "And here I thought I'd help you with 'all that.'"

"That's assuming the Alliance lets you." She smiled a bit wryly. "They haven't exactly been on board with my crazy ideas."

"I could always resign, you know."

She shook her head again. "No, the Alliance needs men like you. Besides, I could probably use all the allies I can get when things start going to hell."

"Start? Shepard, I don't know if you've noticed, but the Collectors did a number on our colonies. Hell started when Saren recruited the geth."

"Ok, maybe you've got a point, but that doesn't change the fact that it's all the more reason for you to stay with the Alliance. Especially if they leave me high and dry to operate independently."

"And what good will I do with the Alliance, Shepard, if they don't listen to you again?"

"Because I trust you to make them listen."

"They already have you labeled as unstable. I'm an L2, Shepard. They are certainly not going to listen to me."

"Someone is obviously listening to you,  _Staff Commander_  Alenko. And besides, if they don't listen and then try to label you crazy, you can always steal another Alliance ship. I'll even come help."

He chuckled, low. The sound sent another small shiver down her spine, and she stepped slightly closer to him, feeling the warmth of his body through their clothes. "At least I wouldn't have to worry about fraternization at my court martial."

She laughed as well over the joke, wishing she really could steal him away on to her ship. Especially at the thought of their only real fraternization two years ago. "There's at least that small comfort. But in all seriousness, Kaidan, I think I'm going to need you to cover my back in those Alliance Blues of yours."

"In all seriousness, then," he reached up to smooth her hair back behind her ear. She leaned into the simple touch, having the sudden desire to feel his flesh against hers. "It would be my honor."


	20. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Alexis sat at the terminal in her cabin, her hands folded in front of her and pressed to her lips, as she stared at the screen ahead of her. She had been spending most of the flight trying to make sense of the Reaper info they had salvaged from the Collector Base. But she still didn't know anything more than she did previously. She sighed slightly, leaning back in her chair. As was normal, her eyes were drawn to a set of whiskey colored eyes that stared intensely at her from a picture to her right.

 _Kaidan_. She felt the conflicting mix of pain and longing grip her heart as her mind drifted back to the end of their last meeting.  _No, no dwelling_ , she reminded herself.  _I have far too much to do, to focus on. Whatever's there, we will have to figure that out another time. For now, I just need to take this information to Liara and see if we can't use it to help her against the Shadow Broker, wait for Hackett to get back to me, and then ultimately…_

"Commander?"

Alexis turned slightly in the chair to see Miranda come walking in from the entryway of the room, dressed in her customary black uniform. She noticed that Miranda had finally managed to remove the familiar gold Cerberus logo from the front breast.  _Well, that's something at least_. "Yes, Miranda?"

"I wanted to let you know that we'll be arriving to Tuchanka soon. Wrex said Grunt should be ready to go once we arrive."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Joker or EDI could have let me know that over the comm.. What's this really about?"

"I thought I'd come check on you. You've been hiding away up here since we left the Citadel."

"I'm fine." Shepard shook her head as soon as Miranda opened her mouth. "No, really, I'm fine. Chakwas has me checking in with her twice a day to make sure of it. If I miss one of those appointments, she promised to relieve me of my command and throw my ass on medical leave."

"And? What about  _him?_ "

Shepard shook her head again. "That's for me and him to worry about. You wouldn't want me to start asking your private life, would you?"

"Ah, no, ma'am."

"I didn't think so. Come on. I'm hungry, and I'd rather eat before Grunt decides to tell me about his exploits with the Krogan women."


End file.
